


What matters in the end

by ArabellaTurner



Series: What Matters In the End [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon - Book, Canon Compliant, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sibling Bonding, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-09 03:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 26,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17399468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArabellaTurner/pseuds/ArabellaTurner
Summary: When the truth of the Connor Project gets out, Jared decides that he’s had enough of this miserable life.But when he wakes up, instead of finding himself in a hospital, Jared finds himself back on the first day of senior year. Will he be able to right his wrongs and save everyone, or is it already too late?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is based mainly on the play, but has elements from the books. If you read Miguel as an OC, you should still be fine, but he is a character introduced in the book. That should be all you need to know about the book, but if that changes, I’ll update this note.
> 
> Dear Evan Hansen deals with some dark themes and this does too. I’ll give warning before chapters that deal with anything too heavy.
> 
> This is going to be a pretty long story, so hold on tight!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is not a happy person, so when the secret of the Connor Project gets out, he loses all hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger warning for suicide attempt*

Jared collapsed into his bed with a sigh. It was a Friday night and he was all alone. His roommate was out somewhere, probably at a party. Jared didn’t particularly like being alone with his thoughts, but he also didn’t like hanging out with people who didn’t want him around. 

When Jared first arrived at college, he had hoped to make a fresh start. He was going to be nicer and more open and he was going to make friends. He really did try, but as it turns out, making friends can be hard when you’re really bad at interacting with people. Even when he was trying, Jared found that he still somehow always managed to say the wrong thing. People just didn’t want him around.

As Jared lay there, his mind drifted back to his fight with Evan. It was nearly 6 months since the two of them had last spoken, yet the wound still felt fresh. Perhaps it was because Evan haunted Jared’s dreams most nights, perhaps it was because Jared still followed all Connor Project activities closely and even donated from time to time, or perhaps it was just because every time Jared saw a stupid, fucking tree, he though about his ex-best friend. 

Not that he had ever called Evan his best friend to his face. Jared was way too insecure to do something like that. He supposed the insecurity had never really disappeared. Maybe that was why he still drove people away. Or maybe it was just because he was a shitty human being. Jared wasn’t really sure. All he knew was that his life was unhappy and there was probably nothing good that would ever happen in it. At least he had already hit rock bottom though, right?

As it turned out, at that moment Jared was still quite far away from rock bottom. He discovered this the moment he checked his phone. Jared has always believed the internet to be an amazing, yet crazy place. It always impressed him how people could ban together online to solve pretty much any problem they collectively put their minds to. Unfortunately, right now the problem they were trying to solve was one that best remained unsolved.

Jared scrolled through post after post on an “interesting” theory on how the Connor Project was a lie. Apparently someone had noticed inconsistencies in the emails and made a post about it. From there people had started to investigate. The conspiracy theory was still pretty early on in its conception, but Jared knew that it was only a matter of time until the truth came out.

He did not want to see what would happen when it did. He did not want to think about how this would break Evan all over again. He could not deal with the lies and the anger anymore.

The next thing Jared knew, he was grabbing a bottle from under his roommate’s bed and walking to his car. Jared didn’t have the guts to commit the act on his own, but he hoped that the bottle would solve those problems for him. 

It seemed like a fitting way to end things. After all the lies about his car insurance, a car accident seemed only fair. And what better a thing to crash into than one of Evan’s precious trees? At least in an accident like that, only Jared would get hurt, which was better than most of what he did. He absently wondered how long it would take for anyone to notice he was gone. There was probably a good chance his roommate would notice the bottle’s disappearance before his. 

Jared brought the bottle to his lips and took a swig. He had never really liked vodka, but it was a big bottle and a hard liquor which made a good combination to ensure that he was completely wasted. Turning his radio up to full blast, Jared sped out of the parking lot in search of the perfect tree.

His search did not last long. As the car made impact, Jared felt himself fly forward, uninhibited by a seat belt. He didn’t feel any pain. It was just a sort of comforting darkness that was spreading through him. As Jared waited for the darkness to engulf him, he heard his phone go off. It was a ringtone he had not heard in a long time. Evan was trying to contact him.

Jared desperately tried to get to his phone, but soon realized that his body just didn’t have the strength to move any more. As the ringing ended, Jared felt hot tears stream down his cheeks. What had he done? Evan had clearly seen the rumors too and was obviously scared. He needed Jared now more than ever, yet he had denied him that. The darkness engulfing Jared was no longer comforting, yet he could not break free. Summoning the last of his strength, Jared let out a final plea into the night “I’m sorry Evan! Please, forgive me!” His whole world then went dark.


	2. First day, second try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared wakes up and finds himself back on the first day of senior year. Excited, he aims to do things right this time, but is he up to the challenge?

Jared awoke with a start. He was amazed at how good he felt. He wasn’t sure how he was even alive at this point, yet he somehow didn’t seem to be in any pain at all. Jared was jolted out of his thoughts when he suddenly heard a knock at his door. “Jared. It’s time to get up. First day of senior year!” His mom called to him. 

Senior year? Had she really just said that? Jared grabbed his glasses and turned his lamp on. Sure enough, he was in his bedroom back in his parents’ house. Running to the mirror and looking at himself, Jared had to admit that he looked younger (and less in shape) too. Was this really possible? Had he actually somehow managed to transport back in time? Despite being the more logical explanation, it didn’t seem possible that the past year and a half had all just been a dream. 

Jared absently wondered if maybe this was the afterlife, yet a quick pinch to the arm confirmed that he could feel pain. It was unlikely this was heaven then and it certainly seemed too good to be hell. Well, whatever this was, Jared was going to make sure he did things right this time!

The moment he first saw Evan, Jared had to stop to catch his breath. There on his arm was a plain white, unsigned cast. Evan was just finishing a conversation with Alana as Jared approached. “Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much, or do you consider that an honor?” he called out. Jared feared that if he was too friendly, Evan would think he was mocking him, so he opted to go with a more playful form of teasing. He would still be a sarcastic asshole, but he would be a sarcastic asshole who genuinely cared. That was probably his true personality anyways.

Jared smiled a little at Evan who was stuttering out something about that not being true. “So how did you actually break your arm, Evan?” Jared asked, his tone softer than before.

“Oh, well you see, I don’t know if you know, but I worked as a junior ranger at Ellison State Park this summer. Not to brag or anything, but I’m kind of a tree expert now...” 

Jared chuckled a little at this. It was nice to see Evan so pure and unburdened. He hoped he could keep it that way.

“Anyways, so there was this 40 foot oak tree, and I tried to climb it, and I...” Evan trailed off. “And you fell,” Jared finished for him. Evan nodded, embarrassed. “You’re lucky you only broke your arm, Evan,” Jared said sincerely. “A fall like that could have killed you! I’m glad you’re all right though. Don’t do something stupid like that again, all right?!” The look on Evan’s face was both heartwarming and heartbreaking. He looked so happy yet so surprised to see that Jared cared about him.

“Don’t worry. I won’t!” Evan promised. Jared was relieved to hear that he sounded sincere. There was something about the look on Evan’s face that had worried him a little. Jared forced a smile. “Good! You’re not an acorn Evan! If you want to grow tall and strong, you need to drink your milk and eat your veggies, not fall out of an oak tree!” Evan smiled a little in return.

Jared then pointed to the cast. “So, can I sign it then?” He asked. Evan blinked in surprise for a second before practically shoving the marker into Jared’s hand. Surprised by the sudden force, Jared dropped the marker to the ground. He watched as it rolled into a black boot. A hand reached down to pick it up. It looked like a guy’s hand yet the nails were covered in chipped black polish. Jared gulped a little as Connor Murphy walked towards him, the marker still in his hand.

Jared knew that none of it was Connor’s fault, yet he couldn’t help but resent him for everything that happened. He was angry at Connor for dragging Evan into the mess and jealous of Connor for Evan’s affection. He also knew that taking his feeling out on Connor was a bad idea, yet it was so hard to hold them in. 

“What the fuck are you looking at?” Connor snarled. Too late Jared realized that he had been glaring at the other boy. He forced his mouth to open, yelling at himself to say something, damn it! Unfortunately for Jared, the first think that popped into his head was probably the worst thing he could have said.

The second the words were out, Jared wished he could take them back. Telling someone they looked like a school shooter was never kind, but telling someone who was actually suicidal that they looked like the kind of person who held enough pain and hatred to be willing to kill their classmates was horrific. Evan seemed to agree with these sentiments and was wide eyed with horror. 

“It was just a joke,” Jared said meekly. “Oh, I’m laughing. Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor’s voice seemed dangerous. He edged closer to the two boys. Evan let out a strangled giggle, no doubt trying to handle his discomfort. “Oh, I see you find it funny too!” Connor snapped, shoving Evan back. Jared caught him before he could hit the ground, but by the time he turned back, Connor was gone and Zoe was standing in his place.

“Oh my god, are you okay? I’m so sorry about my brother,” she said sincerely. Evan looked like he was going to collapse if Jared let go, so he held on tightly. “Y-yeah, I’m fine. I-it was my fault,” Evan stuttered. His face was bright red. “Well, actually it was my fault,” Jared admitted. “I said something mean and Connor got upset and Evan got caught in the crossfire.” 

“You should really be careful getting on Connor’s bad side like that,” she said to Jared. “He can be pretty scary at times.” Jared looked down at the floor. He knew that Connor was not necessarily a nice person, but in this case he was probably within his rights to get that angry. Jared felt horrible. He wondered absently if he was part of the reason why Connor had killed himself. He said something pretty mean to Connor which had to hurt. He also made Evan feel like shit which caused him to write that letter which probably hurt even more. All said and done, Jared had really done a lot of damage to Connor the last time and he was on his way to doing it all over again.

“Yeah. I know it was stupid. He just surprised me and when I’m caught off guard, I tend to make really off color remarks,” Jared admitted. “That sounds like a really terrible habit,” Zoe responded. “It’s been know to cause problems,” Evan muttered. “Wow,” Zoe said in surprise. “I didn’t realize you said things that weren’t nice!” Evan turned red and started to apologize. “No! I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant that I’ve never seen this side of you before. It’s not a bad thing,” Evan grew even redder, yet he seemed a little relieved. Jared clapped him on the back. “Evan can be pretty sarcastic when he wants to be. He just takes some time to warm up to people. Once he does though, he starts to let his real personality show through.” Jared grinned. “Not that he’s a bad guy or anything!” he then added quickly. “He just is a more outgoing person when his anxiety isn’t acting up.” 

Zoe smiled at the two boys. “Well, I’m Zoe by the way,” she offered, holding out her hand to Evan. “I’ve seen you around at my jazz concerts before, but we’ve never actually spoken.” “Oh, yeah. I like jazz. Well, jazz band. Well, I...” Evan seemed to be struggling to get the words out. “Well, it’s nice to officially meet you, Evan,” Zoe stated, taking his hand into her own. “I-it’s nice to officially m-meet you too, Z-Zoe,” Evan forced out. 

“And I’m Jared,” Jared offered holding out a hand to both of them. “Y-yes, I know that?” Evan said, looking confused at the hand outstretched to him. “Just wanted to make sure!” he said, laughing and grabbing Evan’s hand. Zoe grabbed his other hand and laughed too. “I should be going now, but it was nice talking to you two. See you around?” “Sure!” Jared replied. Evan nodded enthusiastically. Zoe smiled and waved bye.

Evan watched her leave with a little smile, causing Jared to smile too. Unfortunately the bell snapped Evan out of his daze and he suddenly rushed off to class, waving bye to Jared as he went. 


	3. How do I say sorry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Jared accidentally insults Connor, he doesn’t know how to fix things and tries to get some help.

Jared did not have any classes with either Evan or Connor before lunch that day, but he did have math with Alana. To his complete lack of surprise, she was sitting in the front row and had all of her supplies lined up on her desk. Jared really didn’t want to sit in the front row, but he did want to talk to her. He figured if anyone might know how to help him with his Connor problem it was Alana.

“Hey, Alana,” He said, sitting down next to her. “Oh! Hi Jared!” She said smiling at him. “How was your summer? Mine was really productive! I...” Jared cut her off by placing a hand on her shoulder. “Can I talk to you after class?” he asked quietly. “I think I really offended someone today and you seem like a really friendly person and I was hoping that you might be able to give me some advice on how to fix it.” Jared didn’t really know if Alana would be able to help him, but even if it didn’t work out, it was still probably a good idea to reach out to her.

Alana looked at him in surprise. People asked her for help all the time, but not for friendship issues. “Sure,” she said sounding less confident than normal. “Thanks!” Jared replied enthusiastically. “Sorry if that’s a bit of a weird request. You just seem like you know how to talk to everyone and I hoped that you could maybe impart a little bit of that secret onto me.” “Of course Jared! I’m always happy to help a close acquaintance!” 

After class, Jared and Alana walked to the cafeteria together. Along the way, Jared explained how he had panicked and insulted Connor Murphy and how Connor had seemed pretty hurt by it. Alana considered his words for a minute before speaking. “Honestly Jared, I think the best thing you can do is just let it go and wait until he forgets about it. I just don’t see how trying to talk to him would really help.” Jared was surprised by Alana’s response. He couldn’t imagine her just ignoring someone whom she had hurt. 

Alana seemed to notice his surprise because she looked away embarrassed. “Sorry,” she said. “I’m not really great with talking to people. I just try to always be super upbeat.” “I get what you mean,” Jared replied. “Although I usually try to be sarcastic instead of happy.” Alana smiled at him. “Want to join me and Evan for lunch?” Jared offered. “Well...” Alana began, but then she shook her head. “Sure Jared. I’d love to!”

Jared found Evan without too much effort and sat down next to him. Alana followed suit. “You ran off in such a hurry this morning that I never got to sign your cast! I know that Connor took your marker, but fortunately I have another one!” Jared grinned wolfishly as he brandished a hot pink sharpie. “Go ahead Jared. It’s your name that will be pink if you use it,” Evan said with a smile. Jared grinned and wrote his name large across the side of Evan’s cast. 

Evan stared at his arm lovingly. He seemed so happy to have the name written there. “Can I sign too?” Alana asked. “I have a normal marker,” she continued holding up a black sharpie. “I have other colors too if you would prefer one of those. Jared took my pink sharpie earlier, but I assume he’ll give it back.” Evan let out a snort. “Jared! Are you telling me you had an entire set of colors to choose from, and you picked hot pink on purpose?” Jared grinned at Evan. “Hot pink is a beautiful color and how dare you insult it!” 

Evan laughed again. “Go ahead Alana. Pick any color you want.” Alana selected a purple marker and wrote her name neatly in cursive. Jared and Evan both admired how professional her writing looked, but Alana only waved it off. Even though Evan and Alana didn’t know each other all that well, Evan seemed to be more relaxed than usual and Jared was glad. As long as he could figure out how to make amends with Connor, he felt like he could actually make this second chance truly count.

Of course, there was still the issue of Evan’s feelings for Zoe, but Jared decided that he would rather have Evan happily dating someone other than him than try to keep him selfishly all to himself. It was he least he could do after the way he had treated Evan for all those years.

————

The rest of the day flew by in a blur. Since this was his second time living through these classes, there wasn’t really anything new being taught. Spanish was nice since he could sit next to Evan, but other than that, Jared mainly focused on what to do about Connor. He knew that after his classes ended, Evan would go to the library to write up his therapy letter. Jared was pretty sure that whatever he wrote this time would be far less problematic than the last one, but he supposed it could still be a problem if Connor found a letter that talked about Zoe at all.

Part of Jared wanted to just go with Evan, but part of him also wanted Evan and Connor to actually be able to talk this time. He figured that Connor probably would still try to apologize to Evan. He wasn’t sure about the cast situation now though. Jared wasn’t sure what to do. There were too many unknowns now. Was it selfish of him to try to save everyone? Was it horrible of him if he didn’t try to save everyone? Above all, Jared just wanted Evan to be happy. He did care about the others, but ultimately if it came down to it, only Evan really mattered in the end.

Making up his mind, Jared walked over to the library. He looked around the room and found Evan sitting at a computer, typing away. He wondered what Evan was writing and if it would be rude to ask. He hoped that it started with “today will be a good day.” 

As he stood there watching Evan, he felt someone slide up beside him. “Enjoying the view Kleinman?” Connor asked snidely. Jared felt his face go red. “It’s just nice to see him so happy,” he replied quickly. “What about you? Why are you watching Evan?” “Well that’s none of your business, is it?” Connor snapped. Jared sighed. He couldn’t imagine that apologizing was going to do any good, but he supposed it wouldn’t hurt. 

“Hey man. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I tend to say things without thinking and sometimes they can come out meaner than I intended.” Jared looked down at the ground, unable to face Connor. Connor sighed. “Just give Evan back his marker, alright?” he asked, handing the marker over to Jared. As Connor turned to leave, Evan suddenly stood up to grab his letter from the printer. He waved nervously to Connor and Jared when he noticed them.

“You got room left for Connor to sign?” Jared called out to him. Evan blushed. “S-sure. I-I don’t have a marker though.” Jared offered the marker back to Connor. He glared at Jared, but snatched the marker back and went over to write his name. “Sorry about earlier,” he said quietly. “S-sorry too,” Evan replied nervously. “J-Jared can say some pretty mean things, but he does mean well.” Connor smiled a little sadly at Evan. “I was under the impression that you were a loner like me, but I guess not.” Evan looked uncomfortable. 

Jared clapped a hand on Connor’s shoulder. It was probably a pretty stupid move, but Jared felt bad for him. “We’re all loners here, Connor. Evan and I have just chosen to be loners together. You can join us if you want.” Connor raised an eyebrow at Jared. “I’m pretty sure that you can’t be loners together,” he said skeptically. Jared just made a face and waved. “Plus, I don’t really think you would want me around,” Connor continued. “It’s likely I would get mad and hurt you again if we spent too much time together.” 

Jared frowned. “It’s true that I can’t have you hurting Evan, but I don’t really mind if you get mad at me. Evan is usually too nice to tell me off for being an ass, so you could be like my conscience or something!” Connor looked Jared up and down as if trying to decide if this was all some elaborate prank. Jared tried his best to look as earnest and honest as possible. 

“I’d love another friend,” Evan said, breaking the silence. He held out his hand to Connor. It was shaking and sweaty, but Evan’s face was resolute. “You two just don’t know when to quit, do you?” Connor finally asked. He grinned. “Well, if you’re going to accept me into your little friend group, just don’t regret what you got yourselves into!” 

Connor then grabbed Evan’s arm and wrote his name huge right below Jared’s. He then handed the marker back to Evan and walked off. Jared smiled. Connor was not going to be an easy person to befriend, but there was hope there.


	4. Family Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan opens up to Jared about his therapy letter and is met with a surprising response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess there is a mild panic attack in this chapter, but those are going to happen so I don’t think I’ll warn every time someone has one.

After Connor left, Evan walked over the printer to grab his letter. He wondered if he should modify it to include his newest interaction with Connor, or if he should just leave it as it was. He was honestly pretty confused by what had happened that day. When the day had first started, Evan figured he would be lucky to get one person to sign his cast. Now he had three signatures. And even though Zoe hadn’t signed it, he had still talked to her without messing anything up. And it all seemed to be thanks to Jared.

Jared was a bit of an anomaly in Evan’s life. On the one hand he was a bit of an abusive asshole who had a tendency to mock and belittle Evan. On the other hand, Jared was perhaps the one person whom Evan felt like he could talk to without freaking out. Jared always called the two of them “family friends,” yet he seemed genuinely worried about the “fall”. Evan had expected Jared to laugh at him about it, but that’s not what had happened at all.

He seemed absolutely horrified at the idea that Evan could have gotten seriously hurt and that made all the difference. It was like a weight Evan hadn’t even realized he was carrying had been removed from his shoulders. His heart felt surprisingly warm too. 

Evan decided that his letter was fine as was and walked back over to the computer to log off. “What you writing there?” Jared asked, snapping Evan out of his thoughts. “Oh. It’s uh, it’s an assignment for therapy,” he admitted embarrassed. “Ah,” Jared replied. Evan expected him to press further, but surprisingly he didn’t. “It’s a letter to myself talking about why today will be a good day.” 

Evan surprised himself a little to hear the words coming out of his mouth. He had never told Jared anything about his times at therapy out of fear of being mocked, yet for some reason he was now sharing one of the most embarrassing things he had been assigned.

Jared smiled at him. “I hope that you have a lot of reasons today,” he said, placing an arm around Evan. Evan flinched a little under the surprise physical contact and Jared dropped his arm. “Sorry man. I guess I probably should ask before touching you like that.” “It’s okay,” Evan said quickly. “I’m just not good with surprise contact. As long as you indicate to me in some way that you’re going to touch me, I should be fine.” 

Jared nodded at this. “I’ll still probably start with asking for permission though. I’m not the best at reading the environment or handling social cues, so it’s probably better to just be explicit about it for now.” Evan snorted. “I’m the one bad with social cues. I tend to either ramble or stutter and most of the time I have no idea when someone is joking or being serious.” “Or maybe I’m just bad at indicating it,” Jared countered. Evan’s eyes widened in surprise. He wasn’t even talking about Jared specifically here, yet for some reason Jared seemed to insist that it was all his fault. 

“Jared,” he said quietly. “It’s true that I often take your jokes a little too seriously, but at least with you I know that there is a good chance it’s just a joke.” “Nothing mean I have ever said to you has been an honest statement,” Jared promised. “I know that you tend to take my words too seriously. I know that I can really hurt you Evan. I’m just really insecure and afraid to open up to people. I’m afraid that if people see who I really am, they will hate me. But you stuck around even through all my bullying. That’s more than can be said for pretty much anyone else.” 

Jared looked so lost and broken as he said it. Evan could hardly comprehend the words coming out of his mouth. It wasn’t exactly an apology, but it was the closest Jared had ever come to one. It was also certainly the most honest Evan had ever heard him. “You’re my best fr-family friend" Evan offered gently. “Of course I’m going to stick around.” “Well, you’re my best friend, so I’m really grateful that you do,” Jared replied. 

Evan’s eyes welled up with tears. It was all too much for him. It was like a wall around Jared that he had been unsuccessfully trying to climb had suddenly come crashing down. Evan didn’t understand why Jared was being so open and honest with him now. He seemed too sincere to be joking about this and anyways, Jared was an asshole, not an absolute monster. There was no way he would joke about something that serious to Evan. 

It was hard to see anything through the tears, but it really looked like Jared was crying too. Evan then noticed that Jared’s arms were outstretched in what looked like an offer for a hug. Evan collapsed into them and was rewarded by a pair of warm arms wrapping tightly around his body and holding him close. He still wasn’t really sure what was happening, but he knew now that it was going to be alright. He was happy just like this.

Caught up in the moment, Evan lost track of his surroundings. Therefore, when his phone buzzed in his pocket, he nearly jumped. It was a reminder about his therapy appointment that he had set. It was starting in 10 minutes and was a half an hour walk away. Great. What would his mom say if she found out he was super late? Evan suddenly found it harder and harder to breath. The happiness and warmth completely drained away. He placed a hand to his chest and tried to to count to four. It wasn’t really helping. 

“I could give you a ride if you’re worried about being late.” Jared’s voice snapped Evan back to reality and he felt his heart rate start to return to normal. He tried to respond, but found that his voice wasn’t quite working yet. “Come on,” Jared said, seeming to pick up on the fact that Evan couldn’t talk yet. “As long as you point me in the right direction, it’s no problem.” Evan nodded and followed Jared to his car. For the first time in his life, Evan wasn’t dreading his therapy session.


	5. Could things actually be looking up?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared drives Evan to therapy while Connor and Zoe contemplate their days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I mentioned I would give warnings, but I’m not really sure what deserves one and what doesn’t. There are mentions of prior drug use in this chapter. I don’t know if that deserves a warning or not. These kids are not always happy people and Dear Evan Hansen has some dark themes. I think I’m just issuing a universal warning here that if you uncomfortable with the things mentioned in the tags, you might want to not read this.

It was clear that Evan was having a panic attack. Looking at the time, Jared had to assume it was because he was going to be late for therapy. Jared wasn’t sure where it was, but he figured that driving Evan there directly had to help at least a little. As Evan tagged along behind him, Jared could hear his breathing start to return to normal. Although he was glad that his suggestion seemed to help, Jared mentally kicked himself for not learning how to properly deal with Evan’s anxiety attacks. Maybe he should talk to Heidi about it? Only that could worry her. Maybe he could drop Evan off, then come in a little later and ask if there were any informational packets he could take on the topic. 

By the time Jared and Evan were buckled into the car, Evan’s voice had returned. It was still pretty quiet and a little raspy, but it was strong enough for him to give Jared directions. Since it was clear that Evan was not in any shape to have a conversation, Jared decided to continue his apology.

While he didn’t like the idea of lying to Evan, it was clear he couldn’t tell him that his personality shift was due to time travel, so he decided to blame it on his loneliness at camp instead. He had been lonely at camp, so it wasn’t a total lie. 

Evan listened to his confession silently and thoughtfully. Jared was a little worried that maybe he had overwhelmed Evan, but when he felt the hand gently rest on his, he knew it would all be okay. “I’m going to stop talking about this for now Ev, okay. It’s not that I don’t want to be completely open with you from now on, but I can feel myself start to cry and that doesn’t seem too safe when driving. Plus I can see your destination up ahead. If you want to talk after your session, let me know. I can wait out here in the car for you.” Evan silently nodded at him. He was crying again now, but there was a smile on his face, so Jared figured he was okay. After escorting Evan inside and releasing him after one more tight hug, Jared made his way to the bathroom where he would wait until Evan had been called in and he could ask for some pamphlets.

————

After leaving the library, Connor had started to walk home from school. He could have let Zoe give him a ride home, but he really didn’t want to deal with her at the moment. Besides, the air helped him clear his head.

Connor wasn’t really sure what he was feeling at the moment. Had those two idiots actually offered to be his friends? Were they just making fun of him, or were they serious? The truth was that Connor had actually planned to reach out to Evan that day. As a fellow loner, he was hoping that Evan might be able to understand him a little bit. 

Connor was pretty unhappy in his life. He felt isolated and out of touch with everyone around him. Miguel had been the only real friend he had ever had and now that he was gone, he wasn’t sure if he would ever find anyone who would care about him again. Yet they both seemed like they wanted him around. Well, they wouldn’t for long. If they were hoping that extending a hand of friendship would keep him treating them nicely, they were wrong.

Connor knew that he had anger issues. It’s not like he wanted to be so angry all the time. He just wasn’t really sure how to deal with his feelings. Sometimes pot could help calm him down, but other times it only made things way worse. Alcohol could numb him to the pain, but he was pretty sure that made him more violent. There were other drugs that Connor had experimented with at rehab, but he didn’t have access to any of them anymore and he was fine keeping it that way. If he was going to try and make new friends, it would probably be better for him to keep away from all of these substances.

As Connor walked home, he absently wondered what Miguel was up to. He wondered what he would think about his efforts to make friends or if he would even care. As much as Connor hated to admit it, he still missed Miguel. He looked down at his phone and debated reaching out again, but decided against it. Maybe Jared and Evan were the keys to help him move on. 

————

Zoe flopped down on her bed and grabbed her lyrics notebook. Today was a pretty interesting day. When she first saw Connor push Evan down, she was certain that the year was going to go off to a terrible start. Yet Evan was surprisingly calm about it. Zoe has never really interacted with him before, but she saw him around from time to time in the halls and at a lot of the jazz concerts and he always seemed like a high strung, nervous mess. But now that she had actually talked to him, he just seemed like an awkward teenager.

Zoe wasn’t sure that she had ever met him before, but Jared seemed pretty nice too. More importantly, it was nice to be able to meet people and have them more interested in her than in Connor. As the younger sister of someone like Connor, Zoe often felt like she would never be able to escape his shadow. People feared Connor, so even if they didn’t mean to, people often feared her too.

That’s not to say that Zoe didn’t have friends. Over the years she had met people whom she enjoyed hanging out with. It just always seemed to take far more effort than it did with these two. 

Zoe’s happy thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and closing. It sounded like Connor was back from school. Zoe wasn’t sure where he had been for the past hour, but she was not going to ask him. At least Connor hadn’t slammed the door, so he couldn’t have been in too bad of a mood. All things considered, Zoe was actually a little surprised not to hear the door slam. Connor had not been in a great mood lately and she couldn’t believe that school had improved it any.

Zoe didn’t exactly hate Connor, but she also didn’t like him. There was a part of her that acknowledged that he was in pain and should therefore be given sympathy, but most of her just felt angry at him. So what if he was in pain? It didn’t give him the right to make everyone else around him miserable too! You don’t get to push someone because their friend insults you and you don’t get to threaten your sister just because your life is shit!

Zoe sighed. Her good mood seemed to have completely evaporated. Connor always seemed to have the ability to do that, even when he wasn’t around to actually cause her problems. At least he wasn’t causing her problems now.


	6. Close acquaintances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Alana hang posters together while Alana contemplates what it means to have friends. 
> 
> Meanwhile Evan and Connor try to understand how their lives are changing.

The next morning Jared woke up before his alarm went off. It wasn’t that he had trouble sleeping, in fact he had slept better than in a long time, but he was just so excited to start the day. 

After dropping Evan off the day before, Jared had asked for some information on how to help Evan with his anxiety and ended up getting to talk to a nurse. She had been really helpful and taught him a number of techniques for different situations. Jared felt a lot less helpless now that he could actually do something to help him when he needed it.

Not that Evan seemed to need it right now. He had come out of his session looking really happy. Jared figured that therapy was a private thing, so he didn’t ask what they had discussed, but it was clear that it was a better session than usual.

And the day hadn’t ended there either. After bringing Evan home, Jared had stayed with him to do homework and help him order pizza. It had been a really fun night and Jared honestly couldn’t remember a happier time in his life. If this was what his new normal felt like, he could hardly believe that he had denied himself such joy for so long.

As he enter the school, Jared noticed Alana hard at work hanging up some sort of poster. Despite living through this before, Jared had absolutely no idea what it was for. “Hey Alana!” He called out happily. “Hey Jared!” She called back, waving. “Want to help me hang up some posters? They’re for the homecoming dance.” Jared had honestly almost forgotten that was a thing. Dances like that weren’t really Evan’s scene and Jared saw no reason to go to a school dance alone. Besides, with the whole Connor thing going on the last time, something as inconsequential as a school dance hardly seemed to matter.

“Sure,” he said taking the stack of posters from Alana so she could hang the next one up more easily. “I didn’t know you were involved in planning the dance.” “It’s one of the student government’s duties,” Alana replied. Jared nodded. He remembered that Alana seemed to be involved in everything. Amazingly enough, she didn’t quit a single activity when she joined the Connor Project. No wonder she was so annoyed that no one else seemed to pull their weight.

Jared and Alana chatted as they walked down the hall hanging up posters. It was a nice feeling. Jared hadn’t really bothered to try to get to know Alana last time since she was really just an obstacle for Evan’s attention, but now that they were actually talking, it was amazing how easily they seemed to click.

Alana still couldn’t quite believe that Jared was happily chatting with her like this. Sure, it was rare that people tried to avoid her, but people also didn’t usually approach her if it wasn’t to get her help in some way. Alana always worked super hard to make herself seem approachable, but she supposed that approachable and enjoyable were two different things. The same way that friends and acquaintances were different things.

It wasn’t that Alana didn’t want friends, she just didn’t feel like anyone she knew really qualified as one. Despite her outwardly bubbly appearance, Alana was actually rather shy and anxious. When she was younger, she wasn’t particularly good at getting her voice to be heard and her ideas to be considered. Her mom’s advice to her was always “fake it till you make it.” Alana had a poster of that in her bedroom. 

“Fake it till you make it.” To Alana it meant acting as happy and outgoing as possible when interacting with people and putting herself out there as much as possible. Alana jointed clubs and organizations and she learned the name and face of each one of her classmates. And while this did help Alana build up confidence, it didn’t really help her make friends. 

Alana learned this the hard way when she tried to latch onto people in middle school. One girl in particular, a fellow Girl Scout named Julie, became the first person Alana had ever referred to as a friend. And the last. Alana really liked Julie, but she could understand now how clingy she had been. Julie eventually grew annoyed with Alana’s constant desire to hang out and said she didn’t want to be around Alana as much anymore. When Alana had pointed out that friends usually liked to hang out all the time, Julie suggested that maybe they weren’t actually friends then. Maybe they were just acquaintances. It was a spelling word Julie had gotten wrong earlier that week.

And so Alana decided to stick with acquaintances. She would be friendly to everyone, but not try to get too close to anyone. She didn’t want to become a burden on someone again and she didn’t want to lose people completely. That wasn’t to say that Alana didn’t want friends, but she just didn’t know if it was really okay for her to pursue them.

And now Jared was talking and laughing with her like no one else had before. It almost didn’t feel real.

————

Evan awoke to the sound of his alarm. Since he knew his mom was planning on being home for his first morning of senior year, he supposed that meant this wasn’t actually the first day of school. But if it wasn’t the first day, then was everything that happened the day before not actually a dream? He guessed it was always possible that his mom got called into work early. 

Evan turned on the lights and looked down at his cast. Sure enough three names were written there. None of this was a dream. Evan’s heart soared at the thought of actually having friends, yet panic also began to settle in. Would he be able to keep any of these friends, or would they all realize how much of a loser he was and leave him?

Evan was a nervous wreck his entire trip to school. His panic only increased when he saw Connor Murphy approaching him. “Hi Connor,” Evan managed to squeak out. Connor just sort of nodded. “H-how are you?” Evan tried again. “You don’t need to force yourself to talk to me,” Connor said quietly. 

Evan’s eyes grew wide. “N-no, t-that’s not it,” he said desperately. “I’m just n-not great with talking to anyone. Like sometimes I can’t get words out and other times I just keep rambling and rambling and I...” Evan stopped talking when Connor placed a hand in his shoulder. “I guess you chose rambling today then?” He asked, a small smile on his face. “I guess,” Evan mumbled. 

Evan looked at Connor nervously. The closest thing Evan had ever had to a friend before was Jared, so he didn’t really know how to handle this whole friendship thing. The fact that Connor was a bit of an intimidating person didn’t help any. 

Connor examined Evan’s face. By this point, he was pretty used to people being scared of him, but Evan’s fear seemed to go far beyond the usual reaction. Connor wasn’t really sure what Evan’s deal was, but he knew that he always seemed to be a nervous wreck and didn’t really interact with other people. “So how exactly does this whole us being friends thing work?” Connor asked, breaking the silence. “I’m not sure,” Evan admitted.

Connor wondered if he was making a mistake. Was trying to befriend someone just as damaged as he was really a good idea? Before he could contemplate it any further, a rather loud and obnoxious voice cut through his thoughts.

“What’s up homies?!” Jared said with a grin. Connor could feel Evan tense up for a second, but then he seemed to immediately relax. “Looks like the gang is all here,” Jared continued, annoyingly chipper. “Want to help me and Alana finish hanging up these posters? We could really use a tall guy!” 

“Nice to know you just want me around for my height,” Connor replied, completely deadpan. Jared just made finger guns in response. Connor felt a smile tug on the corners of his mouth. “I thought I was the school shooter here Jared, what are you doing with those guns?” The look on Jared’s face was priceless. Connor snorted and grabbed some of the posters. Maybe this would work out after all.


	7. Sibling bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After seeing Connor starting to look better, Zoe works up the courage to try to fix their relationship. Only she doesn’t feel she can do it alone and reaches out for some help.

The next couple of weeks were pure bliss for Jared. The four of them got along so much better than he ever could have imagined. As it turned out, Jared and Connor actually had pretty similar senses of humor. Sometimes their jokes could get a little twisted and dark, but it was fun to be able to joke around without disapproving eyes. 

Alana was also a surprisingly good friend. Once she and Jared learned how similar they truly were, they found themselves opening up to each other. As two people who had spent their lives hidden behind masks of their own creation, it was nice to let someone else in.

There were still secrets, as Jared had not told Alana about the whole time travel thing, but he had actually come out to her which was huge. Jared was barely willing to acknowledge it to himself, but now someone else knew. And Alana was amazing about it. She simply responded by hugging him and whispering “same” into his ear. Apparently she was lesbian. Who knew?

And then of course there was Evan. Every time he saw Evan smile or heard him laugh, Jared was reminded once again of how much better this second life was. Of course, the more time they spent like this, the more Jared fell in love, but there was no way he was going to let that get in the way. He would just have to deal with it.

No, at the moment life truly did seem perfect, but Jared knew he had to be careful. He had brought together four very vulnerable and somewhat unstable people and was trying to build a lasting friendship out of it. Although everything was working out right now, Jared sometimes wondered if he hadn’t built a castle on the sand and one bad storm was all it needed to all come crashing down.

And just like all bad storms, this one had a name. Now maybe it wasn’t fair of Jared to call her a storm. After all, she hadn’t actually done anything wrong. It was just that she didn’t really fit into any of his plans. As Connor’s sister and Evan’s crush, Zoe Murphy held the power to destroy everything that Jared had worked for. 

————

Evan wasn’t really sure why Zoe had called out to him in the hallway, but it made his heart leap. “H-hi Zoe. What’s up?” Evan asked, smiling nervously at her. “Hey Evan!” Zoe’s smile was like the sun, her warmth and light reaching out towards Evan. “I was hoping that I could talk to you for a little bit.” Evan must have looked pretty nervous, because Zoe quickly shook her hands. “It’s nothing bad,” she assured him. “I just want some help with something and I think that you might be the right person to talk to about this.” 

Evan swallowed nervously. He wasn’t used to people coming to him for help, especially when they were nearly perfect people like Zoe Murphy. “S-sure Zoe. I’d be happy to help you!” “Awesome! Thank you so much Evan! Want to meet me after school today?” Evan nodded eagerly. “Sweet! See you then!” It wasn’t until the bell rang that Evan realized he had been standing there staring after Zoe. He still couldn’t believe that she had reached out to him. This really was turning out to be a good year!

————

Zoe wasn’t completely sure why she wanted to do this. Maybe it was because Connor seemed a little more approachable lately or because he suddenly managed to make friends. It could also just be because she was growing stronger herself. Whatever the reason, Zoe found herself longing to repair her relationship with Connor, even if only a little. 

There was a time back when they were little that they got along well enough, but as they grew older, he grew more volatile and she became more frightened of him. But for whatever reason, when he was with Alana, Jared, and Evan, he didn’t seem to have that problem.

Zoe had put a lot of thought into her decision to reach out to Evan. She knew that he was shy and didn’t always have the best time speaking to people, but he really seemed to be the best person for the task. Jared was far more outgoing, but he seemed to lack the tact necessary for something this delicate. Alana seemed really nice too, but she didn’t appear all that close to Connor. No, all said and done, Evan was the only one Zoe felt could help her.

————

Jared forced a smile onto his face and hoped it looked genuine enough. He promised himself that he wouldn’t get jealous and would support Evan’s feelings for Zoe. He was going to hold himself to that promise no matter what. Besides, he had no idea what Zoe wanted to talk to Evan about and it wasn’t fair to start worrying before anything had even happened. Not that he was allowed to worry in the first place... Jared looked away and frowned just a little. This was going to be harder than he thought.

Evan was grinning ear to ear as he told Jared the news. If Jared’s smile seemed a little forced or his voice sounded a little choked, Evan didn’t notice. He was buzzing with excitement. Zoe wanted to talk to him about something. Of course, despite her insistence that it was nothing bad, a part of Evan still worried about it too. He honestly had no idea what she wanted to tell him.

After the day ended, Evan met Zoe by her locker. “Hey Evan,” she said smiling. “Why don’t you follow me out to my car?” Evan gulped and nodded wordlessly. Once they got out to the relative privacy of the parking lot, Zoe turned to face him. “I was wondering if you could help me with my brother!” she blurted out, red faced. Evan blinked in surprise, then scrunched up his brow in confusion. What did she mean by help? How could someone like him ever help her?


	8. If I could tell her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Zoe asks Evan to help her with Connor, despite his lack of knowledge, he refuses to disappoint her.

Evan stared at Zoe in confusion. He wasn’t sure what he could possibly do to help her with a Connor. He barely knew Connor and he certainly wasn’t any sort of relationship expert.

Noticing his confusion, Zoe explained further. “I noticed that you and Connor seem to get along pretty well and I was wondering if you could maybe help me communicate with him better.” Evan was shocked by this request. “A-are you s-sure you want m-me?” he stuttered. “I-I m-mean J-Jared or A-Alana c-could...” Zoe cut him off with a slight shake of her head. “Both Jared and Alana seem nice, but I’m not sure if either of them could help me the way you do. I think you’re the only one who could really help me.” 

Evan started silently at Zoe for a minute. He honestly didn’t know what to say. Of course he wanted to help her and he thought that it was a really great thing that she was trying to rekindle her relationship with Connor, he just wasn’t sure that he was really the right person for the job. Sure he and Connor had always shared a little bit of a strange bond with one another as fellow loners and outcasts, and sure they were sort of friends now, but what insight could he possibly provide to her?

“You don’t need to do anything you aren’t comfortable with,” Zoe reassured Evan. “For now, I was honestly just hoping that you could maybe think back to anything he might have said about me. Both good and bad. I just want to try to understand how he views me as a person. I want to understand where I stand with him.”

Evan nodded silently and took a deep breath. Connor hadn’t really ever talked to him about Zoe. But when he looked at Zoe’s longing eyes, he just couldn’t tell her that he had nothing to say.

“Well, he’s never once complained about you to me, so that’s good,” Evan began. Zoe’s face dropped a little at the realization that Evan just didn’t know anything. Panicking at the thought of letting her down, Evan continued. “He thinks of you as a strong and independent person. I think he really admires you.” Zoe looked skeptical. “Why would he admire me?”

Evan felt panic sieze him for a second before he had an idea. “Well, he didn’t really elaborate, but I’m sure I have some idea. Like the way you play your soul out each time in jazz band, or the way your face looks when you concentrate, or the way you draw little stars on your pant cuffs when you get bored. Zoe, you are an amazing person. What isn’t there to admire?” 

Zoe felt her face grow brighter and brighter red the more Evan talked. She had no idea that he felt that way about her. He was such an awkward person that she had always just assumed he acted that way around everyone. Honestly, it made her feel really good.

Zoe had felt invisible to her family all her life and untouchable to most of her peers. She knew that the second one was at least partially her fault since she wasn’t super open with her feelings, but for just a moment Zoe felt like she could relate to someone. Evan was here and real and actually saw her as a real person.

She placed a hand on his arm. “Hey, do you maybe want to come over to my place tonight? I’m sure my parents won’t mind.” Evan’s face almost instantly turned beet red. He tried and failed to get words out for a few seconds before simply nodding. “Awesome!” Zoe replied.

Evan climbed into the car along with Zoe. He nervously drummed his fingers on the door. “We just need to wait for Connor,” Zoe informed him. “Oh!” Evan said, quickly unbuckling. “I’ll get in the back then.” 

“No worries,” Connor said, hopping into the back seat. “From back here I can torment you and you can’t do anything about it!” Evan chuckled a little and sat back down. 

Zoe watched the exchange, intrigued. She had never seem Connor interact with anyone the way he did with Evan, Alana, and Jared. A few minutes later, she nearly crashed the car when Evan screamed. After pulling over, she found a rather horrified looking Evan rubbing the back of his neck and a slightly guilty looking Connor trying his best to avoid eye contact.

“What did you just do?” She demanded. “Nothing!” Connor protested. Evan pouted. “I told you I could annoy Evan from back here,” Connor continued with a smug smile. “He blew on the back of my neck!” Evan complained. Zoe starred at her brother. Part of her was annoyed at his irresponsible behavior, but part of her found it genuinely endearing that Connor seemed to be getting along so well with someone else. 

“Well, can you try not to kill us while you’re at it?” she finally asked. Connor smirked. “No promises. If I go down, I intend to take the rest of you with me!” Evan sank down a little in the front seat. He looked tired. Zoe sighed. Connor might be nicer to Evan than he was to most people, but he was still a problem child.


	9. What do you want with my friend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan heads home with Connor and Zoe, but as tensions increase in the Murphy household, tempers start to flare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning for domestic violence (I prominse it isn’t out of character) continue reading note for more details (skip if okay reading this to avoid chapter spoilers).
> 
> No one is hurt is this chapter, but Connor does lose control of his anger.
> 
> While I have no firsthand experience dealing with this, Connor’s behavior was based on the stories I heard from people who have. That being said, this chapter might seem either too releastic or too unrealistic to people who have dealt with similar things.

Evan silently followed Zoe and Connor into their house. It was way nicer than his own and Evan felt a little intimidated by it. “We’re home,” Zoe called out. “Connor and I brought a friend over.” A few moments later, Cynthia Murphy was greeting Evan. “Zoe said you are friends with both her and Connor?” she asked in surprise.

Evan felt his face grow hot. “Umm, yeah, well, I...” He was having trouble getting the words out. “Evan is my friend,” Connor said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Zoe just thinks he’s cute.” Both Evan and Zoe turned red at this. “I do not!” Zoe insisted. “I mean, he is cute, but that’s not why he’s here!” She sounded exasperated. Evan blushed even brighter. “You think I’m cute?”

Cynthia smiled uncomfortably. She wasn’t really sure what to make of the boy. He was shy and awkward and didn’t really seem like the type of person either of her children would spend time with. Then she noticed Evan’s cast. 

“He signed your cast,” she said softly. Evan looked down at it. “Oh, yeah. He signed it back on the first day of school.” Connor nodded. “Evan was persistent.” Cynthia beamed at him. “I’m so proud of you sweetie! I had no idea you were putting yourself out there so much! You’re doing an amazing job!” Cynthia reached out to touch Connor’s face, but he swatted her hand away.

An air of discomfort filled the room. “Well, I brought Evan here today, so I’m going to bring him to my room now,” Zoe said, pulling Evan away with her. Connor glared, but said nothing before icily walking away.

Once they got to her room, Zoe apologized. “That must have been really uncomfortable for you. I’m sorry you had to deal with it.” Evan looked around her room awkwardly. “You okay?” she asked, motioning for him to sit down next to her. Evan shook his head.

“You said you wanted to get closer to Connor, right? I’m not really sure that you...” he trailed off uncomfortably. Zoe bit her lip. “I guess abandoning him to his fate is not necessarily the right way to do that?” The room filled with an uneasy silence. 

Evan wasn’t sure what he was doing there. He had no idea what had just happened between Connor and his mom and he had no idea how to help either Connor or Zoe fix their relationship. He wanted to help Zoe so badly, but he didn’t know what to do.

Eventually Zoe picked up her guitar and began to play. The tension flowed out of Evan’s shoulders as he let the music flow through him instead. Evan watched as Zoe’s fingers danced along the frets, her brow creased in concentration and her eyes twinkling with joy. She was so beautiful he found it hard to breath.

The two of them stayed this way, Evan completely enrapt in Zoe and her music, until they were all called down to dinner.

————

Apparently dinner that night was some sort of vegan lasagna. It was certainly an interesting food choice. Evan found himself focusing on it quite intensely. It was better than the alternative.

It was clear that everyone was on their best behavior. Cynthia made sure to always smile and constantly asked Evan questions about how he befriended her two kids. Evan told her how he and Connor got in a fight over a misunderstanding, but Connor apologized and signed his cast, so they started to hang out. He also told her how Zoe had check on him after he almost fell in the hallway and that’s how they first started talking. He left out the part where Connor was the one who pushed him.

Cynthia seemed satisfied with these answers. Larry was mostly quiet, but he seemed satisfied too. Zoe also seemed to be happy with his answers, but Connor just sat there expressionlessly. Evan wasn’t really sure what to make of the Murphy’s. He liked Connor well enough and he adored Zoe, but he felt pretty uncomfortable eating dinner with all four of them.

Once dinner was finally over, while Zoe was still putting her dishes away, Connor grabbed Evan. “Come on, let’s get out of this stuffy house and go get some air.” Evan looked uncomfortable. “I’m not sure I should leave Zoe like that,” he said. Connor looked annoyed. “She got you before dinner, so it’s my turn now.” Evan still didn’t budge.

Just then Zoe emerged from the finding room. “Shall we head back to my room?” “What about Connor?” Evan asked. “I don’t think he wants to hang out in my room, but he’s welcome to I guess.” Zoe grabbed Evan’s hand and started to lead him to her room. Before they could get more than a foot, Connor grabbed Evan again.

“Oh, so you’ll follow her if I don’t come, but you won’t go with me if she doesn’t?” Connor asked. He sounded a little hurt. “W-well, I mean, she did invite me,” Evan protested quietly. Connor frowned.

“And why is that anyways? What do you want with my friend, Zoe?” There was a warning tone in Connor’s voice. Zoe turned to face him. “Why does it matter?” she asked. “Why won’t you answer?” Connor countered. “Why do you care?” Zoe demanded. 

Zoe was annoyed. Evan didn’t belong to Connor. It wasn’t even like she was actively excluding him. So despite her better judgement, she let herself get caught up into a fight.

As the fight went on, Evan could feel Connor’s anger rising. His voice grew louder and his face contorted with rage. Evan jumped back in shock when he suddenly punched the wall. “Fuck you!” he snarled. Frightened, Zoe grabbed Evan and dragged him into her room, locking the door. 

Evan trembled in fright as Connor kicked her door and screamed. Zoe turned to face him and he realized she was trembling too. Wordlessly, Evan wrapped his arms around her in a hug. Zoe buried her face into chest and sobbed. “Forget it. I don’t know why I thought I could try to reconcile with him. I’m sorry I brought you here and dragged you into this.”

Evan felt something bubble up inside of him that he hadn’t really felt before. Rage, blind fury. He was livid. He couldn’t believe that Connor would treat Zoe this way. He would never forgive him for making her cry.

————

Connor hadn’t wanted to lose his temper. All through dinner, he tried his best to behave even as Evan faced an interrogation from his parents. He knew that they just weren’t used to him bringing people over and were confused why he would do so with someone like Evan.

He hadn’t wanted to get mad at Zoe either, but he couldn’t understand why she suddenly was so interested in Evan. She had plenty of other friends, so why did she need to take one of the few that he had?

He knew that Evan had a crush on her. It was pretty obvious. And when Evan went willingly with her, but not with him, Connor felt hurt. Did Evan only want to be with him to get closer to Zoe? Well, it didn’t matter now. Evan was closer to Zoe and definitely didn’t want to be with him now. 

Connor returned to his room and kicked his trash can in frustration, spilling the contents. Crumpled up drawings fell to the floor. He picked one of them up and smoothed it out. It was an attempt at drawing Evan and Jared laughing together. Connor had thrown it out because their faces looked off. Instead of looking happy, they sort of looked possessed.

Connor tore the drawing up and threw the pieces back onto the pile of papers. He collapsed onto his bed and tried to take deep breaths. He knew that he had lost control tonight.

Connor hated himself for this. He hated the feeling of losing control and the fear he inspired in others, but he he just didn’t know what to do about it. He had tried so hard, but in the end it still wasn’t enough.

Just once in his life, Connor wanted to be more than just the problem child. There was a time when he thought he had something more with Miguel. He almost fooled himself into believing that a friend was all he needed, but it hadn’t lasted. Why did he think Evan and Jared would be enough to tame him? Connor fought back the hot tears forming in his eyes. People like him did not deserve to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is clearly the start of some conflict. That being said, I promise that I am not going to make anyone the “bad guy.” None of the characters in Dear Evan Hansen are bad people and I don’t want to change this. I just want to explore their various shades of gray.
> 
> Also, to those of you who skipped the beginning note, Connor’s behavior here is based on secondhand experiences of mine (direct stories of firsthand experiences). Therefore I hope I portrayed it realistically and I apologize if I did not.


	10. Everything is fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After dealing with such a frightening event together, Evan and Zoe’s relationship changes. Jared tries his best to not be jealous, but is Evan leaving him behind?

The next day at school, Jared nervously asked Evan what went down the other day. He had hoped that Evan would text him about it the night before, but when that didn’t happen, he figured either something really good or something really bad had happened.

It turned out it was a bit of both. As Evan and Zoe had huddled together, the two of them started talking. Zoe was ashamed that Evan saw her this way, but he said that she had nothing to be ashamed of. Zoe admitted that no one else had seen her like this and it was scary to be so vulnerable. Evan told her she had nothing to fear. The next thing they knew, the two of them were kissing.

Evan finished his story with a wistful smile. Then he held out his arm and Jared saw that Zoe’s name was now on his cast, followed by a little heart. 

Jared wasn’t sure what to make of all this. He was happy that Evan had suddenly gotten the girl of his dreams, but the circumstances seemed all wrong. He was angry at Connor for acting that way and uncomfortable with how quickly Evan and Zoe went from hardly knowing each other to being a couple. 

Evan said he wasn’t sure if they were officially dating, but he couldn’t believe that he could be as lucky as he was. Zoe Murphy actually liked him! “Of course she likes you,” Jared responded quietly. “What’s not to like?” Evan smiled back at his friend. “Thanks Jared. I’m sure you’ll find the perfect girl too someday. You’re a really amazing person yourself!” Jared forced a smile. Evan didn’t need to know how much his kind words had hurt.

As the two of them were talking, Zoe approached. “Hi Jared,” she said with a smile. She then gently took Evan’s hand. “Hey Evan. Thank you again for last night. I’m really lucky to have you.” She kissed him softly on the cheek. Jared turned to them. “I’m happy for you. You guys make a great couple,” he said with a smile before turning and walking away.

Connor didn’t show up to school that day, but Evan didn’t really notice. He was too much on cloud nine from suddenly being in a relationship with Zoe Murphy! He and Zoe even ate lunch together. Jared and Alana sat together at a nearby table and watched them. 

“Are you okay with this?” Alana asked softly. Jared shrugged. “What other choice do I have? If she’s what makes him happy, then I don’t have any other options.” Alana frowned, but squeezed Jared’s hand nonetheless. She knew he was trying really hard to put on a brave face. It was obvious to her how deeply in love with Evan he was, but she guessed that was why he was willing to let him go.

The next day, Evan brought Zoe along to sit with Jared and Alana. Apparently the two of them planned on switching off which friend group they sat with. While Jared was glad to have Evan by his side again, it still wasn’t quite the same. He also felt Connor’s absence looming over them. He was relieved to see Connor was back in school that day, but the fact he chose not to sit with them created a clear message. He was no longer a part of the friend group and he didn’t want to be anymore.

————

The rest of the week went by painfully slow, or at least it did for Jared, Alana, and Connor. Connor tried his best to stay away from the others. He didn’t want to hurt anyone again. A part of him was disappointed that no one had reached out to him, but he knew it was to be expected. He was the violent manic, not Evan or Zoe.

Jared tried his best to convince himself he was happy sharing Evan. It wasn’t like they just suddenly stopped hanging out. Evan still sat next to him in class, texted him all the time, and even came over to his place after school one day. 

The main problem was just that Evan’s attention never seemed to be entirely on him. Whenever they talked, somehow Zoe came up. Evan used to talk about her before, but it was more how someone would a celebrity they liked. Now that she was his girlfriend, it was like she was all that really mattered to him.

Jared told himself it was fine. This wasn’t like last time. Evan wasn’t cutting him out of his life or pushing him away. He didn’t forget his promises or treat Jared like a child. Things were still different and everything was going to be fine. It just didn’t feel that way.

Connor was still a huge problem too. Now that Connor and Evan has actually been friends for a couple of weeks, Jared didn’t need to worry about a repeat of last time, but he was still worried about Connor’s safety. He had really distanced himself from the others lately.

The only problem was that Jared was still mad at him. The idea that he had gotten so violent around Evan made Jared feel sick. A small, twisted part of his heart was also mad at Connor for providing the spark Evan and Zoe needed to fall in love. A smaller, even more twisted part of his heart wondered if maybe the world was better off without people like Connor altogether.

Yet Jared knew he couldn’t leave things as they were. He had been given the second chance for a reason and he wasn’t about to let Connor die again. So Jared worked up his courage and approached him.


	11. The last unbroken friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared attempts to fix things with Connor, but only ends up making things worse. Meanwhile, Alana is starting to feel left out.

Connor frowned when he saw Jared approaching him. He wasn’t really sure what he wanted, but he didn’t want to talk to him. Connor liked Jared well enough, but when all was said and done, they were from two different worlds. Jared might sometimes have a dark sense of humor, but he was generally a pretty upbeat person. He also clearly valued Evan above all else. Why on earth would he still want to be around someone who had hurt him?

“Yo Connor. Sup?” Jared smiled uncomfortably. “Can you ever just talk like a normal person?” Connor grumbled. Jared winced. “Sorry. I tend to act that way when I’m nervous. You won’t believe how much effort it took me not to also call you dude or bro.” Connor snorted despite himself. “So why are you here?” he asked. “I wanted to talk to you,” Jared replied.

Connor gave Jared a look. “Yes Kleinman, I figured you wanted to talk to me when you came here and started talking to me.” Jared winced again. Connor only called him Kleinman when he was teasing him or annoyed and he wasn’t smiling at the moment. 

“I mean, you stopped hanging out with us,” Jared tried again. “And this is bothering you now, why?” Connor asked. Ah, so that’s it, Jared thought to himself. Connor was mad at how long it took for anyone to say anything. 

“It’s bothered me for a while now, but so has what happened that day when Evan visited your house.” Jared replied. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. The next thing Jared knew, Connor had grabbed him by the collar and lifted him into the air. 

“What do you even know about what happened that day? You never talked to me about it. Does my side of the story not matter to you?” Jared gulped. “I didn’t ask Zoe either, just Evan. He was scared Connor!” Connor released Jared, causing him to stumble.

“I told him that I was like that. I told you both, but you didn’t listen. You thought that you could fix me, didn’t you? You thought that I was just some broken child that you could take in and repair, right? Well, that’s not the way this works! You can’t just fix someone!” With each word, Connor grew louder and Jared shrunk down further into a protective stance.

Jared wondered if Connor was right. Was he really just trying to fix him? What was wrong with that anyways? “I’m trying to help you, goddamnit!” Jared yelled back. Connor whirled around and made contact. Jared fell to the ground clutching his face. 

“I don’t want your help Kleinman, ever thought of that? I don’t want your help or your pity! I don’t want you! I’m tired of playing all these stupid games of pretend!” Connor stormed off, leaving Jared sitting on the ground, wondering where it all fell apart.

————

Over the course of the week, Alana watched as Connor distanced himself, Evan lost himself to passion, and Jared lost himself to jealousy. She watched as her friends all left one by one until she was the only one sitting at their table that day. She supposed Evan and Zoe would let her join them, but they didn’t notice her and she felt like inviting herself over would be invading. 

While Alana had grown accustom to Connor no longer eating with them, she wondered what happened to Jared. She didn’t see him anywhere.

For his part, Jared decided to skip lunch and camp out in the bathroom. He didn’t want to deal with seeing the others with his eye like this. He didn’t want their pity or concern towards him or their anger towards Connor. Somehow he would have to hide the eye for the rest of the day until he could come up with an excuse for how he hurt himself at home. There was no way he could avoid everyone until it healed.

Unfortunately, Jared had a test that day and didn’t think he could miss it, so he wasn’t able to remain in the bathroom. As he ventured out, he spotted Alana. He tried to walk away before she could see him, but with no success.

“Jared! Where were you at lunch?” She sounded worried. Jared tried to walk away as though he hadn’t heard her. “Jared!” She called out again, running after him. “Stop following me!” Jared mumbled, ducking his face and trying to escape. 

Unfortunately Alana did just that. Jared realized with horror that she must have heard him, but it was too late now. Alana was gone and with that Jared had officially broken his last remaining undamaged friendship.

He wasn’t sure why he bothered to leave the bathroom for the test, since he most likely failed it anyways. His mind was far to bogged down with the mistakes he had made. Fortunately his teacher noticed something was wrong when he stood up and his knees buckled. He barely made it into the nurse’s office before collapsing onto the ground and sobbing. This was his second time living out this year and he was still the same asshole as before. How could he have messed up so badly?


	12. A rooftop encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana goes up to the roof to escape her feelings and runs into someone unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning - this chapter contains references to self harm and suicidal thoughts*

Alana didn’t even bother to head to class. Using the keys she was given after her initive to have solar panels installed, she unlocked a small stairway and made her way up to the roof of the school.

Alana had always liked it up there. It was somewhere she could go when she wanted to be alone where no one could follow her. It was easier to pretend her solitude was because she was hiding away in a place no one could reach her and not because no one cared enough to notice her. Curling up into a ball, Alana placed her head into her arms and began to sob.

After a few minutes of crying, she heard a weird click then the sound of the door opening. Confused, she turned around to see Connor Murphy standing there, cigarettes in one had and a bobby-pin in the other.

“Oh,” he said uncomfortably when he saw her. “I didn’t expect anyone else to be up here. Especially not you. How on earth did you get up here anyways?” “Keys,” Alana responded. “Oh,” Connor said again.

Alana let out a bitter chuckle. “It’s funny that the school delinquent and the school goody-two-shoes would both end up her at the same time.” “Only a goody-two-shoes would say good-two-shoes,” Connor informed her with a wry smile. “But you just said it twice” she pointed out. Connor snorted and offered her a cigarette. Alana shook her head.

“Mind if I smoke?” he asked her. “I’ll live,” Alana replied. Connor lit it up and took a drag. Alana coughed a little, but insisted she was fine. Sighing, Connor put the cigarette out with his foot and sat down beside her.

“Rough day?” he asked. Alana nodded, “I was worried about Jared because he’s been acting funny, but when I tried to talk to him today he got mad and ran off. Of our former friend group, he was the only one who ever really reached out to me, so it’s a hard blow to lose him too.” Alana stared sadly off into the distance. “Not that I should have expected anything different,” she continued. “I started to make the mistake of using friend instead of acquaintance, and that was the end of it all.”

Connor frowned at this. “I always wondered why you called people that. It’s a fear of getting close to people, then? I get that.” Connor looked down at his arms. 

“I just feel like every time I get close to someone, I must do something wrong. Why else would they always leave me?” Tears streamed down Alana’s cheeks. “I don’t see what you’re doing wrong,” Connor insisted. “You’re not like me. You don’t freak out and hurt your friends. You don’t push away anyone who tries to get close. You’re a good person, Alana.”

Alana smiled a little. “You sound just like Jared right now, you know that?” Connor looked surprised. “I didn’t know that Kleinman was that deep. I mean, he was obviously pining over Evan, but I didn’t realize he saw himself that way.” Alana nodded. “He was the first person who ever opened up to me about anything and the first person I felt safe opening up to at all since Julie.”

“Julie?” Connor asked softly. Alana nodded. “She and I were in middle school when we met. We did Girl Scouts together. She was the first person I ever called a friend. Looking back, I can see how clingy I was being, but at the time I really thought we were best friends. I haven’t spoken to her in a long time now.” 

Connor put a hand gently on Alana’s shoulder. “It’s been a while since I spoke to him too.” Alana looked at Connor expectantly, waiting for more. After a few moments of silence, he realized she wanted him to continue, but was too scared to ask. 

“His name was Miguel. He was my best friend and the first person I ever loved. I never told him that, of course, but he meant the world to me. But one day he saw the scars on my wrists, and he started asking questions. I responded by running away and I haven’t reached out since.”

Alana stared sadly at Connor. “May I?” She whispered. He nodded and held out his right arm. She traced over the lines there. “I was always too afraid to do anything like this,” she admitted. “I felt like it would bring shame to my family. Everything I do is always to look and seem my best. Every decision I make is a plan for my future. I don’t even know what it would be like to let myself just live in the moment.”

Connor took her hand. “I can promise you that cutting is not ‘living in the moment.’” Alana smiled a little. “Then what is?” Connor looked out at the sky again. “Maybe this is? Sometimes when I come up here to smoke or get high, I think about jumping and just ending it all. I’ve thought about killing myself a lot. But at this moment, I’m not thinking about doing it. Not because I feel okay, but because I’m just not worrying about tomorrow. It’s enough right now to not be alone.”

Alana placed her head on his shoulder. “Thank you for appearing when I needed you. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you when you first left the group.” Connor leaned his head against hers. “It’s okay. I was a real dick in what I did and I don’t blame you guys for being mad.”

The two of them lapsed into silence, but it was a comfortable one. “Do you think we should try again with them?” Alana finally asked, breaking the silence. Connor looked at her confused. “Them?” “Julie and Miguel I mean. Do you think we should reach out? We both lost contact long ago, but what if we could regain it?” 

Connor thought about this. It was a crazy idea, but maybe not a bad one. He really did miss Miguel. “Okay,” he finally agreed. “Here goes nothing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really just want to hug them so much. Alana really needs more love and I intend to make sure she gets it!
> 
> So to those who have not read the book and want context (at the risk of spoilers), Miguel and Connor were friends who attended the same school, but Miguel got caught with weed. Connor claimed it was his and got expelled and sent to rehab. They still hung out though, but when Miguel sees the scars on Connor’s wrists Connor gets scared of the questions and runs off.


	13. How did this happen?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana, Connor, Zoe, Evan, and Jared are all trying in their own ways to figure out where they currently stand with those who matter to them and where they wish they would end up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, I know I’ve started publishing at super speed, but I really love writing this.

Connor and Alana sent texts then waited. Five minutes passed with nothing. Just as Connor started to think that this was a bad idea, Alana’s phone buzzed.

Excited, she quickly check her messages. Her excitement faded as quickly as it arrived, however. Noticing her pain, Connor asked what it said. “I have the wrong number,” she replied. “I waited so long, I blew my chance.” She began to sob again. 

As Connor was deciding what to do, he heard his own phone buzz. Looking down, he noticed that Miguel had responded. It was just the word “hey,” but it was more than what Alana had gotten. 

He debated answering it, but realized that he couldn’t. He couldn’t start trying to fix a broken friendship while someone who was currently his friend was in pain. He sent a quick reply. “Sorry to message you and run, but one of my friends isn’t in a good place right now, so I need to help her. Can we talk tonight?” A minute later, Connor felt his phone buzz, but he was too busy hugging Alana to answer it.

The two of them talked for the next couple of hours. They told each other things they had told almost no one before. Eventually it became clear to Connor just how important Jared was to Alana. “Do you love him?” he asked kindly. Alana shook her head. “He’s an amazing friend, but not like that. I’m lesbian by the way.” “Ah,” Connor replied.

“You know, even if you can’t fix things with Julie, it isn’t too late with Jared. He can be a dick sometimes, but he’s not a bad person. After hearing how nice he’s been to you, I almost feel bad about punching him today.” 

Alana looked at him in surprise. “You punched him?” she asked, concerned. “Yeah. Pretty hard too. I thought it would leave a mark.” Alana shook her head. “I think it did leave a mark. I also think that Jared’s less of an asshole and more of an idiot than I believed.”

Connor laughed a little. “You mean he was trying to hide a black eye when he avoided you, right?” Alana nodded. “Honestly that sounds just like him. Come on, let’s go fix that friendship.” Connor held out a hand to Alana. She gratefully took it and followed him back down the stairs.

“You know, I bet a great way to express your frustration with the situation would be to blacken his other eye. Then he won’t be able to see anything and he won’t be able to run away anymore!” Alana laughed. “That is literally the worst idea I have ever heard, Connor. I love it!”

————

After finishing their lunch, Zoe and Evan parted ways with a kiss. A couple of Zoe’s friends grumbled for them to get a room, but she just laughed it off. 

She enjoyed having physical contact with Evan. He was a grounding presence in her life. She still remembered how it felt when he held her that day, how he protected her despite being terrified himself. If that wasn’t true love, Zoe didn’t know what was.

And Evan really did seem to love her. Sometimes it was a little bit too much though. Zoe wished he could view her more like a normal human being. He still seemed to see her as something more than human and while it was flattering, it was a little unsettling too.

————

Evan’s mind was locked on Zoe as he made his way from class to class. It therefore wasn’t until 10 minutes into Spanish that he realized Jared wasn’t there. He tried to remember if he had seen Jared that morning, but came up blank. He hadn’t gotten any messages from him, so where was he?

As soon as class was over, Evan shot Jared a text. “Hey Jared. I noticed you weren’t in Spanish. Are you okay?” Jared similed weakly when he read the message. It was relieving to see that Evan still noticed him. “I’m okay, I’m just a little under the weather, so I went home. I assume that you can get a ride back with Zoe, right?” “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Want me to bring any homework over to you? What classes did you miss? I can probably ask those teachers for your assignments.”

Jared’s eyes filled up with tears. He felt so selfish. He saw Evan spending time with Zoe and felt abandoned. But maybe he was just letting his jealousy get the better of him. 

“That would be great. I only missed Spanish and calculus which I’m pretty good at, so if you could just bring over the Spanish notes and tell me the work that should be enough. You could also just text it to me if that’s easier.” “I’ll bring it to you.” Evan responded. “See you soon.”

Evan made his way to Zoe’s car and waited for her there. He hoped she wouldn’t mind dropping him off at Jared’s place. He didn’t want her to feel like a car service to him.

As Evan was waiting, he noticed Connor and Alana approaching. He was surprised to see the two of them, but even more surprised to see them together. Connor hadn’t been riding with Zoe since Evan had started dating her, so he wasn’t sure what he was doing here now. Alana also didn’t really associate much with Zoe, so he wasn’t sure what she was doing here either.

“Hi Evan,” she called out, smiling weakly. “Have you seen Jared anywhere?” Evan shook his head. “He went home sick. I’m going to see if Zoe can drop me off at his place to give him the Spanish notes and homework and check in on him.” 

Alana and Connor exchanged a look. They knew that Jared wasn’t sick. Once again, Connor felt sort of bad about hitting him. He was only trying to stick up for Evan. “Why don’t you go with Evan to visit him?” Connor suggested to Alana. “What about you?” she asked. “I don’t know if he’d want to see me and I know Zoe won’t want me in her car. Besides, I told Miguel I would talk to him tonight.”

Alana perked up at that. “He responded?” Connor nodded then froze up as a pair of arms wrapped around him. “That’s wonderful Connor! I’m so happy for you!” He looked into her eyes and found she truly meant it. Alana really was such a genuinely nice person.

“Go fix things with Jared. I’m sure everything will be okay once you talk. I’m rooting for you.” Connor then walked over to Evan. “Keep your friends close,” he told him. “They are good people and they care about you.” Before Evan could respond, Connor had already walked away.

Alana moved to stand a little uncomfortably next to Evan who suddenly seemed very interested in the ground. “I didn’t know you and Jared got into a fight,” he finally admitted. “It happened pretty recently” Alana responded, looking away. “I still didn’t know,” Evan mumbled.

The silence overtook them once more. Evan felt guilt settle in his stomach. He felt so out of the loop. He had no idea that Jared and Alana were fighting. Or that Alana and Connor were friends. He didn’t even know that Jared wasn’t feeling well that day. Had he really cut himself off that much?

He thought that he was still making time for Jared and Alana, but maybe he wasn’t. When they were all together, he focused mainly on Zoe. Even when she wasn’t around, she was still the main thing he thought about.

And now he was still thinking about her while Alana was standing silently by his side. He laughed at the irony. Alana looked up at the sound. “Sorry. Just thinking about some things,” he replied to her confused glance. “Oh,” she said, looking away again.

“How are you?” he asked, determined not to let them fall back into silence. “I’m okay,” Alana mumbled. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you respond so unenthusiasticly.” he said meaningfully.

Alana smiled sadly at Evan. “Nothing is wrong. Really. I thought that things were bad, but it might have just all been in my head.” “If you felt like I was ignoring you, that wasn’t just in your head,” Evan replied. 

The two of them looked at each other and for the first time maybe ever they managed to meet each others’ eyes. “I’m happy for you and Zoe, I really am,” Alana assured him. “I just...”

“Just what?” a voice asked, cutting her off. “Sorry I kept you waiting Evan, I had to check in with some people for the next Jazz Band concert. Now what exactly is going on?”


	14. Spanish homework

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Alana plan to head over to Jared’s house with the hope of repairing some of the damage in ther relationships.

Alana turned bright red. She couldn’t believe Zoe almost heard her say something like that. Before she could come up with an excuse or explain herself, Evan spoke up. “It’s nothing, or well, it’s not something to deal with right now. I promised Jared I would bring him the Spanish notes and homework since he went home sick. Do you mind dropping me off at his place?” 

Zoe looked surprised. This was the first time Evan had made a request of her and the first time he point blank refused to answer a question of hers. It’s true that he got tongue tied a lot, but he always tried to respond.

Zoe was still a little unsure what was going on but decided to drop it for the time being. Instead she turned back to Alana. “What about you? Did you want a ride to Jared’s place as well?” Alana nodded, obviously still embarrassed. “If you don’t mind.” Zoe motioned for Alana and Evan to get in the car. “I’ll need directions there, can you guide me?” She asked Evan. “Sure. It’s not far from my house, so just head there until I tell you to turn.” Zoe agreed.

————

Jared sat on his bed, wondering what was taking Evan so long. He didn’t want to bother him, but he also wanted to make sure he was okay. He debated sending him a text, but decided to wait a little longer. He was still really grateful that Evan was coming over and he didn’t want to push his luck.

A few minutes later, he heard a car pull up. Taking a deep breath and grabbing his ice pack, he made his way to the door. Jared’s plan was to tell Evan that he stumbled a little in his room and hit his head on the corner of his bed frame. He wasn’t positive that Evan would buy it, but it was the best plan he had.

Upon opening the door, he was practically tackled to the ground in a hug. He yelped in surprise, but hugged Evan back a second later. It was only after he had let go, that he noticed Alana and Zoe were also standing in his house.

“Evan Hansen, did you just hug me as a distraction method?” he demanded, unsure whether he should be flattered or insulted. Evan had the grace to look embarrassed. “I also hugged you because you’re my friend,” he mumbled. Jared relented and smiled back at him.

He then turned to Alana. “Im really sorry about earlier. But hey, as you can see, I already have a black eye, so you don’t really need to give me another one.” He looked really uncomfortable. “You’re really tempting me right now, Kleinman,” she responded. Kleinman, Jared thought nervously. Alana had never called him that before. Was she really that mad?

“I happen to know that you already had that black eye before you ran away from me, so you don’t get to claim preemptive punishment!” She complained. Wait, how did she already know? Jared was getting worried. 

Noticing the concern in Jared’s eyes, well eye, Alana relented. “I talked to Connor today,” she informed him. “He told me about your fight.” “Oh,” Jared said softly. “You two will have to talk and work things out later, but he helped me realize how important you are to me. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Jared!”

Jared grabbed Alana and pulled her into a bear hug. “I’m not going anywhere Lana. I promise! I really am so sorry I ran away from you earlier. I should have just told you the truth. I was just scared of making things worse with Connor and I accidentally hurt you.” 

Alana hugged Jared back. “I know, Jare. It’s okay. You weren’t trying to hurt me. I’m not mad at you.”

Evan smiled sadly at his friends. It looked like whatever was going on between them could be resolved without him. But that didn’t mean he should keep remaining distant. He might not have been needed this time, but there could come a time when he would be. 

They looked so happy together at the moment. Evan wondered what sort of relationship they were in and was surprised to feel a weird pang in his heart. He wasn’t exactly sure what the feeling was, but he knew he couldn’t let things stand the way they were. If he wanted to keep his friends around, he was going to have to start to make an effort with them.

After releasing Alana, Jared turned back to Evan. “If you have somewhere you need to go, I can just take pictures of your notes and copy them down later.” As embarrassing as it was, Jared actually did need those notes. He supposed that made sense given how distracted he was around this time last time.

Evan shook his head in response. “I don’t have anywhere I need to go. In fact, I have all my books with me, so if you would be okay with it, I could study here with you?” Jared grinned with delight. “I would love that!” he replied. He turned to the girls. “You two will join us too, right?” Alana nodded enthusiastically. Zoe simply shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

Jared clapped his hands. “It’s settled then! Come on. We can set up in the basement. I’ll get some snacks! You three grab your stuff. Let’s get to work and have some fun!” Evan smiled affectionately as Jared happily ran off into the kitchen.


	15. Zoe in the bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan, Alana, and Zoe hang out with Jared at his house together. While the rest of them have fun, Zoe begins to do a little soul searching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that Connor will come back next chapter. I haven’t forgotten about him!

A few hours later, the four of them were squeezed on the couch playing video games. Their homework lay on the table, partially finished. They were playing 2v2 and Alana and Jared were crushing Evan and Zoe. After landing a decisive victory, Jared began to jokingly gloat causing Evan to throw popcorn at him.

Before long, the gaming had devolved into a full out food war followed by a pillow war. While Jared was distracted hitting Alana with a pillow, Evan launched himself onto Jared and began to tickle him. “No fair!” he protested, trying to break free. Evan laughed manically. “Surrender Jared! You will never be able to defeat me! There is no escape!”

Realizing that Evan had given him permission to touch him, Jared reached out started tickling him back. The two of them rolled around on the ground laughing. Alana laughed too and started throwing popcorn at the two of them. All three of them looked so happy.

Zoe was not having quite as much fun. The more she watched the three of them, the more confused she felt. Grabbing her phone, she made her way to the bathroom.

She sat on the toilet, scrolling through her photos. Not one was of Evan. They had barely even know each other a week earlier. Sure, they talked a few times, but what did she really know about him? She knew he was a loving and attentive boyfriend. She knew that he loved listening to her music and liked ‘jazz, well not all jazz, but jazz band jazz.’ She knew that he had been there for her when she was scared and otherwise alone.

Zoe sighed. Her thoughts drifted back to the ones from earlier in the day. Evan was a crutch to her. He was someone who gave her life stability. But what if she was the same to him? It was clear that Evan had liked her for a long time before they actually spoke. There was no other way for him to have known so much about her. He said himself that Connor wasn’t the one who told him those things.

And wasn’t he always looking at her like some sort of a goddess? It was something that always made her a little uncomfortable, but now it was all starting to make sense. She loved Evan because he had been there for her when no one else had and he loved her because she was an ideal that had become a reality. 

But if that was the case, then was their relationship healthy at all? She closed her eyes and pictured his face as he wrestled with Jared. It was completely different from the one he had when he looked at her. Jared was someone that made Evan happy, truly happy. There wasn’t any sort of ulterior motive there either. They just genuinely cared about each other.

Zoe felt empty. She didn’t want to let go of Evan, yet it was clear to her now that they were not actually in love. She wasn’t really sure if she actually understood what love was anymore, but she knew this wasn’t it.

As she was beginning to get hopelessly lost in her thoughts, Zoe heard a knock on the door. “Are you okay in there?” She heard Evan ask. “I’m fine. I’m just on my period!” She called back. “Oh, take your time...” Evan said, clearly uncomfortable. She smiled sadly. He really was a good person.

Taking a deep breath, Zoe slowly emerged from the bathroom. She wasn’t really sure where to go from here, but it was clear she was going to have to face her problems soon.

————

After they had all finished their homework, Zoe offered to take Alana home. She told herself it was just because Alana lived closer to her while Evan lived closer to Jared, but she knew it was because she wasn’t ready to deal with Evan just yet.

After hopping in the car, Zoe switched the radio on and began to drive. The first few minutes of the ride were silent until she remembered something. “Oh yeah, about what you were saying earlier, don’t worry about it. You don’t seem like the jealous or vindictive type, so I’m sure any advice you were going to offer Evan was made in his interest.”

Alana smiled a little. “Thanks Zoe, but I don’t mind sharing. I was just worried about how Evan was cutting Jared out of his life. That doesn’t seem to be an issue anymore, so it’s okay now.” “Just Jared?” Zoe asked. “Well, me too I guess, but mainly Jared. They are best friends after all.”

Zoe felt a little guilty. “I don’t think that’s something you’ll need to worry about anymore. But if I ever do accidentally drive a wedge between you and your friends again, let me know. I don’t want to be the thing that breaks apart a friendship!”

Alana smiled. “I’ll let you know. Although if you want you could be a part of this friendship too. There’s no reason it has to be us versus you at all.” 

Zoe smiled at Alana. The sentiment was nice, but given what she was about to do, she didn’t think the friend group would really want her to stick around.

————

After the girls left, Evan followed Jared out to his car. It was a short ride, but Evan was still grateful. “Don’t worry about it Ev. I’m not actually sick, so it’s not a problem for me to be driving.”

“Thanks Jare. But next time you feel this way, I hope you’ll tell me. Obviously I’ll start trying harder, but I’m not always going to notice when I mess up. Having you let me know would really help.”

Jared nodded, embarrassed. “If there is ever a next time, I’ll be sure to let you know. I hope you would do the same with me.” Evan squeezed his friend’s hand. “I promise Jare. From now on let’s actually talk to each other instead of keeping it bottled up.” Jared squeezed his hand back.

A few minutes later they arrived at Evan’s house. As Evan got out of the car and made his way up his driveway, he stopped to ask one more question. “So how do you feel about me dating Zoe then?” Jared thought for a second before responding. “As long as you are happy and healthy for each other, I’m cool with whomever you are dating.” “Thanks Jare. I hope you find someone like that too.” Evan smiled at his friend and made his way back into his house. 

Jared’s words stuck with him as he walked up the stairs and made his way into his room. Jared would support any relationship he had as long as it made him happy and was healthy. Zoe certainly made him happy, but he was not positive about the healthy part. He laid back on his pillow and began to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, don’t mind me shamelessly ripping off Be More Chill...


	16. Drawings in the dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Miguel meet up again after months of no contact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning - references to self harm*
> 
> This chapter has more Miguel stuff in it. There shouldn’t be anything new you need to know that wasn’t explained in my notes already. I think that it’s all pretty easy to follow without any background anyways.

Connor took a deep breath. He couldn’t remember the last time he was this frightened. He made his way to the entrance of the park and found a secluded area under some trees. He texted Miguel his location then silenced his phone. He didn’t want to deal with the anxiety of checking it and wondering.

As Connor waited for Miguel to show up, he doodled on the ground with a stick. “I see your art has continued to improve,” a voice suddenly said. Connor looked up to see Miguel staring back at him.

“If this is an improvement, then it must have been really shitty before,” Connor grumbled, smoothing it out with his hand. “I only meant that it looked really good for a dirt carving,” Miguel replied. “Oh.” 

Connor wasn’t sure what he was doing. Last time they had seen each other, he had run away. He knew that Miguel’s parents didn’t want him back in his life either. He was supposedly the bad influence who took drugs and had to get sent away. What was he doing trying to rekindle this?

Miguel sat down next to Connor. Seeing how scared he looked, Miguel decided to start with an easy question. “Read anything good lately?” Despite its simple nature, the question had a powerful effect. Before long, the two boys were deeply engrossed in a conversation about the books they had read since they last saw each other. They both knew that they were still just avoiding the real issues, but for now it just felt so good to be talking again.

While they were talking, Connor started to draw in the dirt again. It was just absent-minded doodling, but he stopped suddenly when he noticed Miguel was watching him draw. Looking down, he realized it was a series of faces.

They weren’t super detailed, how could they be in the dirt, but they had the important features. Alana’s braids, Jared’s glasses, and Evan’s little half smile. The only one still incomplete was Zoe. “Who are these people?” Miguel asked, curiously.

“They’re my friends,” Connor replied. “Well, I guess she’s my friend,” he clarified pointing to Alana. “I’m not really sure where I stand with the rest of them. Jared and Evan were my friends, but I sort of fucked things up pretty badly with them.” 

Connor slumped back against a tree. Why was he even telling this to Miguel? He came here to apologize, not complain. “Is she the one who you were helping earlier today?” Miguel asked, pointing to the drawing of Alana. Connor nodded. “Tell me about her,” Miguel requested. So Connor did.

When Connor was done telling Miguel about Alana, Miguel pointed to the drawing of Evan and said “tell me about him.” The same happened with Jared when Connor was done with Evan. 

After Connor had told Miguel all about his rocky friendships and most recent outburst, Miguel sat back for a second to contemplate. “Tell me about her,” he finally said, pointing to the unfinished drawing of Zoe.

“But that’s Zoe,” Connor protested. “I know, tell me about her.” And so Connor did. He told Miguel all about his relationship with his sister. How they would get on each others’ nerves and constantly fight. How he would get angry and violent and cause her to hide in fear. How he admired her strength and talent. How he longed to have a better relationship with her, but didn’t know how.

By the time Connor was done telling Miguel about Zoe, he was exhausted. He thought that opening up to Alana had been difficult, but it was nothing compared to this. These were feeling Connor had never told to anyone, ever.

Miguel smiled warmly at him. “You’ve changed, haven’t you?” he asked. “You aren’t the same person who ran out my door when I tried asking you personal questions last time.” Connor looked down at his wrists and slowly removed the bracelets. 

He held his right arm out to Miguel. “These scars are from when I feel empty and bored.” That had been the arm Miguel saw last time. All of the scars there were faded and old. Next he held out his left arm. He hadn’t shown this one to Alana. The scars there were newer. Some of the marks weren’t even scars yet. It was clear they had been made much more recently. “These scars are from when I feel angry at myself and don’t know what to do with the anger.”

Miguel took both of Connor’s arms into his own. “Next time you want to do this, call me. It doesn’t matter when or where. Just call me.” Connor looked at Miguel and noticed that he was sort of blurry. Then he realized he was crying.


	17. The right choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Miguel’s help, Connor begins to contemplate his choices in life and where to go from here.

Now that the floodgates were opened and Connor’s walls were down, he and Miguel spoke for hours. There was nothing they didn’t talk about. Their hopes, dreams, lives, families, nothing was off limits. They joked and laughed and threw dirt at each other.

Once upon a time, Connor had found the key to opening Miguel, but now Miguel had found the key to opening him. They talked about the day that Connor ran away and about how they felt after that. Miguel told Connor how hurt he felt that Connor didn’t trust him, and Connor apologized. He then admitted that he trusted Miguel more than anyone else alive; it was just he had very little trust to go around.

“Well, you can trust me Connor, with anything. I will never hurt or betray you.” Connor looked nervously at him. “Are you sure? I mean, what if what I tell you hurts you?” “Just try me,” Miguel replied.

“The day I took the blame for you, did I do the right thing?” Miguel thought about the question for a minute. “You did a kind thing. It was a life changing thing for me, but it was probably also a life changing thing for you. You very well may have saved me, but you could have doomed yourself as well. So did you do the right thing?”

Connor thought about it. If he had the choice between his own future and Miguel’s, which would he choose? At the time he believed that Miguel’s was far more important than his own, but maybe that wasn’t the right way of looking at things. And maybe that was part of the reason why they fell out. He never showed himself the same kind of concern he showed towards Miguel.

“Yes,” he finally said. “I did the right thing, because we are both sitting here now and we are both okay. You still have your future and I still have mine.” Miguel laid his head against Connor’s shoulder. “Good answer,” he replied.

They sat together in silence for a few minutes. “Can I ask you another question?” Connor asked, breaking the silence. “Sure. Ask away.” “How do I fix things between myself and the people I hurt?” “I don’t know,” was the reply. “I think before you can fix your relationships, you need to fix yourself. Our relationship is going better not because you came and apologized for running away, but because you found the strength to open up a little and to start valuing your own happiness.”

“But how do I get better?” Connor asked. “I don’t know,” Miguel replied once more, “but I think you can start by talking to people. The more the people who care about you know, the more help you can get.” “It’s not easy to do that,” Connor responded. “I know. But I have faith in you anyways.”

The two lapsed back into silence. It was late now. The sun had set hours ago and the moon and stars were out. It was starting to get a little chilly, but it wasn’t too bad. 

It had been a warm day, so Miguel was only wearing a T-shirt while Connor had on a sweatshirt to better hide his arms. Noticing Miguel shiver a little, he took it off and dropped it on his shoulders. Miguel smiled. “My, what a gentleman!” Connor laughed and shoved him playfully. 

Miguel laughed back. “I missed this, Connor. I’m glad I have you back.” “I missed this too.” The moment was cut short by the buzzing of Miguel’s phone. He pulled it out and answered it. 

After hanging up, he turned back to Connor. “It was my mom,” he informed him. “She wants to know where I am. I told her I was just hanging out with a friend and lost track of time. I don’t think she’s mad, but I should probably go.”

Connor nodded in agreement, a smile tugging at his lips. “Another thing that’s changed about me is my Spanish. I’m much better with it now.” Miguel laughed and playfully shoved him. “Until next time,” he said holding out a fist. “Until next time,” Connor agreed. Their fists touched.

————

Half an hour later, Connor silently made his way back into his house. He crept up the stairs, hopeful that no one noticed he was gone. Unfortunately he was met by the worried face of his mother. 

“Connor Murphy, where have you been? I’ve been worried sick! I tried calling and texting, but you never answered!” Connor looked down at his phone and realized guiltily that he had set it to silent and forgotten about it. “I was hanging out with a friend and lost track of the time,” he responded, copying Miguel’s words. 

“Oh, and what friend was that?” Cynthia asked. She clearly didn’t believe him. “Zoe was with Evan, Jared, and Alana today, so I know you weren’t with any of them.” “It was Miguel,” Connor replied. “I reached out to him today and we ended up meeting up and making up.”

Cynthia’s face softened. “I, I see. I’m proud of you for doing that, but some contact would have been nice. I was worried about you!” Connor looked at his mom. She looked old and tired. For someone who had no job or real monetary concerns, she looked older than she should. He had a feeling he was a good portion of the reason why.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “Next time I’m out late, I’ll let you know where I am.” Cynthia looked shocked. She couldn’t remember the last time Connor had said the word “sorry” to her. “I love you Connor, you know that, right?” Connor nodded. “I do mom. I love you too.”

He left his mom speechless in the hallway as he made his way to his room. He shut the door, turned off the light, and collapsed in his bed still fully clothed. All his energy was gone at this point. He let the warmth of sleep take him. That night Connor’s dreams were happy.


	18. Please talk to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi comes home from work to find Evan still awake and lost in thought.

After parting ways with Jared, Evan had trouble falling asleep. Instead he sat on his bed contemplating all that had occurred. He felt better about his relationships with Alana and Jared, but he still wasn’t sure what to do about Connor. He was still super mad, but Connor had made a slight effort with him earlier that day. And then there was Zoe. He still had no idea what to do about her.

Heidi frowned when she saw the light still on in Evan’s room. She had a pretty late shift that night and wasn’t super happy to see him still awake.

She knocked on his door. “Evan, are you okay in there?” Evan didn’t respond. “Evan?” she asked again, getting a little nervous. Evan snapped out of his daze. “Sorry. I’m fine mom.” Heidi sighed in relief. “Can I come in?” She asked. Evan nodded before remembering she couldn’t see him and replied with a quick “Sure.”

Heidi came in and sat down next to him. “What’s eating you?” Evan looked down, unsure what to say. Did he dare tell his mom everything? 

She didn’t even know about his crush on Zoe let alone that they started dating. She also didn’t know he had befriended Connor or anything about his violent outburst. She also didn’t know about Alana, but at least their relationship seemed to be going okay.

The irony of it all was that the only true friendship his mom was aware of was his and Jared’s and that was only because of Jared’s car insurance. 

Back when Evan still believed Jared’s lie about only hanging out with him for his car insurance, Evan used to report back to his mom that Jared was nice to him. That made her think they were good friends. Of course they were good friends now, but if he told her the full story, she would learn the truth about him as well.

Evan let out a little laugh. Heidi looked at him concerned. “Sweetie? What’s wrong Evan? I know we don’t always get a chance to talk like this, but I hope you know you can tell me anything. I just want to know what’s going on in your life.”

Evan looked at his mom. “If you knew, you would be disappointed.” “I could never be disappointed with you! I’m so proud of you, Evan. I always will be. Please talk to me!” Evan looked helplessly at his mom. There were times when he felt so alone, but here she was begging for him to talk to her. It wasn’t her fault she had to work so hard and she didn’t have to be in here right now with him, but she was here and she clearly cared. Working up his courage, Evan began to speak.

Over the next couple of hours, Evan told his mom everything. Heidi was not pleased when she learned how Jared had actually treated him before, but she acknowledged that he had changed. She was also thrilled to hear that Evan had more friends now.

She listened to Evan’s concerns about the Murphy siblings. A part of her wanted to tell Evan to stay away from Connor, but she knew that Evan saw himself in the other boy. Telling him that he needed to stay away from someone who clearly had a medical condition could make it sound like she felt that there was something wrong with Evan too. She just wanted him to use good judgement.

As for Zoe, she had to agree with Evan. While it warmed her heart to hear that Evan had fallen in love with someone, the circumstances around it worried her too. Looking at her son, it was clear that he was going through a lot, but he was also trying really hard.

“I’m really proud of you, sweetie. You’re really putting yourself out there. I know that you’re worried about hurting Zoe or ruining a good thing, but if you don’t feel your relationship is working out, then it’s better for both of you if you don’t drag it out. And of course I’m worried about you hanging out with someone who gets violent, but if you feel that your friendship with Connor is worth saving, I won’t stop you. I could also talk with his parents if you’d like. I’m not an expert by any means, but if they are anything like me, then maybe we could help each other figure out how to help both of you. More than anything, I just want you to be happy.”

Evan hugged his mom. She held him tightly back. Eventually Evan fell asleep curled up in Heidi’s arms. She gently tucked him into bed and kissed his head. She wasn’t used to Evan opening up to her like this, but it was clear it was good for both of them. As Heidi turned out Evan’s light and closed his door, she made a promise to herself that they would talk like this more often. There was so much in Evan’s life she knew nothing about and she didn’t ever want that to happen again.


	19. I barely know you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe finally talk about their relationship while Connor tries to work up the courage to talk to them.

The next morning, Zoe picked Evan up to bring him to school. They had to get in early since Zoe had jazz band rehersal, but Evan didn’t mind. He could use the extra time to think about what he wanted to say.

When they arrived, Zoe lead Evan not towards band practice, but to the music room instead. The room was empty and would likely remain that way for a while. 

“Don’t you have practice?” Evan asked confused. “I do, but there’s something else that I should do and now seemed like a good time.” Zoe took Evan’s hands into her own and looked into his eyes.

Evan’s heart began to race. This wasn’t good! He had to act fast before Zoe tried to take their relationship to the next level. He felt horrible that he had lead her on like this. He quickly pulled away.

“I’m so sorry Zoe! I can’t do this!” He looked away, bright red. “Oh Evan, I’m really sorry. I know it’s hard, but I hope that we can stay friends.” “Stay friends?” Evan asked confused. “I guess not then,” Zoe said softly.

“Weren’t you about to kiss me? I thought you brought me in here to make out,” Evan said, confused. Realization dawned in Zoe’s eyes. “Oh! Oh, no. That’s not why we’re here. Evan, I...” Relief flashed across Evan’s face as he realized the real reason they were there. “You feel the same way too, don’t you?” Zoe asked. She smiled a little sadly.

Evan nodded. “You are a wonderful person Zoe. I still really like and admire you, but this just isn’t working out.” “I completely agree. I really like you Evan, but we aren’t good for each other, at least not like this. We rushed in too quickly and never took the time to get to know each other as people. I feel like I barely know anything about you!” “And almost everything I know about you is from watching you for years,” Evan replied. “You sound like a stalker,” Zoe said with a laugh. “I see your point. We rushed in so quickly that you didn’t even realize I was creepy stalker!”

They both started to laugh. It felt good. It was weird how good it felt. They had both been so worried about doing this, but it was clear it was the right thing. “So can we still be friends?” Zoe asked again. “Of course! I would love to be your friend!” Evan assured her. “You could still switch off on lunch tables too. I just won’t switch with you anymore.” Zoe nodded. “Fair enough. You have a lot of good friends at that table with you. I’m sure they’ll be happy to have you around more.” “And I’m sure they’ll be glad to have us there without all the pda!” They both laughed again.

“Well, there’s still some jazz band rehearsal left, but I don’t really feel like going right now. Want to pop down the street and get a coffee or something? Just as friends of course.” Evan smiled. “Sure, that would be great. I’d love to grab coffee with a good friend like you.” 

————

Connor made his way out of the art room. The pencils his teacher lent him were safe in his backpack. He wasn’t sure if he would have more luck drawing them with better tools, but he wanted to try again.

As he left the room, he heard voices from the room across the hall. He frowned when he recognized them as belonging to Zoe and Evan. He couldn’t make out their words, but he was certain it was them. What were they doing in the music room? Didn’t Zoe have jazz band rehersal?

Connor stood by the door to the music room and waited. It was unlikely he was going find another chance to get them both alone like this. He felt it could be easier individually, but he was worried they were both too afraid of him to actually talk if it were one on one, and he really needed to talk to them.

He debated knocking. If they weren’t doing anything important, then he wanted as much time as possible before classes started. He didn’t want to interrupt them if they were though.

Ten minutes later, Connor jumped a little as the door opened. Zoe’s smiling face immediately turned dark. “Were you listening?” She demanded. She sounded angry. Connor shook his head. “I couldn’t understand what you were saying.” “Then why were you standing outside the door?” She countered. “I recognized your voices. I wanted to talk to you and thought now might be a good time.” Connor felt his heart racing. This was not going to be easy.


	20. Making an effort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finally apologizes to his friends.

“Well it isn’t,” Zoe snapped. She didn’t care if it was a good time for Connor, it was not a good time for her. She didn’t want to deal with this right now. Breaking up with Evan had still taken a lot out of her despite how well it had gone. She really didn’t feel like fighting with her brother right now.

Zoe moved to walk away, but Evan stopped her. She looked at him in confusion. “Hold on a minute,” he told her. Then he turned to Connor. “We’ll listen to what you have to say, but if you lose your temper even a little bit, we’re leaving.” Evan’s legs were shaking, but he held his ground. Remembering the way Connor spoke to him the day before and what Alana had said about him, Evan decided to believe in Connor. That didn’t mean he wasn’t afraid though.

Connor looked at Evan with a mix of gratitude, pity, and regret. “Thank you Evan. I won’t lose control this time. I promise. I came here to apologize, not start a fight.”

Connor took a deep breath. He was terrified. He had woken up early that morning and practiced what he wanted to say for over an hour. But now that he was actually here, his mind went blank. How did he apologize for something he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t do again? He didn’t want to do it again, but he knew better than to believe that willpower was all it took to cure himself.

He stared sadly at Zoe and Evan. Maybe he should wait to do this. No. He didn’t need them to forgive him. He was just here to apologize. Once he became a better person, then maybe he could earn their trust back. For now he just wanted them to know how sorry he was.

And so that’s what he told them. “So basically, I don’t expect you to forgive me and I can’t promise that I won’t fuck things up again, but I want you to know that I’m sorry. I do want to change and I do want to get better. I don’t really know how yet, but I’m working on it.”

Zoe stared sadly at her brother. “It means a lot to me to hear you apologize, but you’re right. Right now I can’t just forgive you and move on. I barely feel safe talking to you here with Evan around. I don’t feel comfortable talking to you alone. You’re just too volatile. Even if you’re okay right now, I don’t know if you will be in a few minutes.”

Connor’s eyes filled with tears. “I know Zoe. I wish it was different. Maybe one day when I learn how to control myself better.” Zoe felt her eyes well up with tears too. “I do want to help you,” she whispered. “I want you to get better too, but I have no idea what would help.” 

Connor smiled at her. “If I knew myself I would be doing it right now. I don’t expect you to do anything for me, but whatever you do end up doing will mean the...” Connor’s words were cut off as Zoe hugged him. “Then let’s try together. We’ll keep looking for a long term solution, but for now you try as hard as you can to control your anger and I’ll try to be supportive and understanding. I still don’t feel safe being alone with you, but I don’t mind it in a group. We don’t have to completely ignore each other. I want our relationship to improve too.”

Connor held his sister tight. “I’ll make sure it does. I’m going to change Zoe. I don’t know how yet, but I swear I will!”

“I might be able to help a little,” Evan spoke up for the first time since the apology. “My mom and I talked last night about our parents talking and exchanging advice. There are things I wish were different, but I do go to a pretty good therapist and take medicine that really helps. Maybe my mom could offer advice on what has and hasn’t worked for her and together our parents can help both of us.”

Connor smiled gratefully at Evan. “I would love that, Evan. I really lucky to have a friend like you. I’m so sorry I scared you and dragged you into my problems.” Evan wrapped his arms around Connor as well. “Its true I don’t like being screamed at, but I’m happy to help you out. And as for that night, I forgive you. I’m not going to give up on you or our friendship.” The three of them stood there, embracing, until the first bell rang.

————

That day at lunch, Jared and Alana grabbed their usual table. Jared’s eye was as swollen as ever, but he looked pretty happy regardless. “I assume Evan and Zoe are joining us today, right?” Alana asked. “They should be,” Jared replied.

After a few minutes of wondering where they were, Jared and Alana spotted Evan and waved him over. “Over here Ev!” Jared called out. “What happened to Zoe?”

Evan smiled sadly. “Zoe and I aren’t dating anymore.” “What?!” Jared and Alana cried out in unison. “It was a mutual decision,” Zoe responded from the other side of the table. Jared and Alana both spun around to face her and were even more surprised to see Connor standing beside her. 

“Hey,” he said softly. “Mind if I join you?” Jared shrugged. “I’m okay with it if everyone else is.” Connor, Zoe, and Evan all sat down.

“So I’m guessing there was a lot of thinking, talking, and making up that Alana and I missed?” Jared asked. They all nodded. “Okay. I’m not going to ask you to explain why you made the choices you made, but I do want to know if you’re all really okay with it.” They all nodded again. 

Jared then turned to Alana. “You good with this?” She smiled. “I mean, I feel bad they broke up, but I’m thrilled Connor is joining us again!” Connor laughed. “Alana and I really bonded the other day. She was probably the last person I ever expected to befriend here at school, but here I am. And I’m glad you can’t control your big mouth Jared. I never would have found all these friends had it not been for you.”

Jared turned a deep crimson. “I’m just glad that everyone seems to be getting along again. I missed eating with all of you! Not to mention we now have a cool kid at our table,” he said motioning to Zoe. She laughed. “I guess that means it’s okay for me to eat here even if I’m Evan’s ex?” “Of course, Zoe,” Alana said. “You are always welcome here!”

The five of them began to eat. It was a little weird to all be together like this, but not unpleasant. Eventually Jared noticed Connor staring at his eye. He smiled. “Honestly I was probably really overdue for one of these. Plus it sort makes me look cool, right?” “Yeah, no,” Connor replied. Jared chuckled. “Fine. My point is just that I’m not really all that upset about it. I was more unhappy with what happened between you and Evan than between me and you. Knowing that you’re making an effort to fix that, is all I need to forgive you.”

Connor shook his head. “I’m still sorry about it though. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out at you.” Jared blushed. “You don’t need to get all sappy about it,” he mumbled, clearly happy to hear the apology. 

Connor laughed and lightly pushed Jared. “Dude, you are like the sappiest human being I have ever met!” “That’s one of my favorite parts about you,” Evan piped up. Alana nodded in agreement. “Trust me Jared, your soft and mushy heart is a wonderful asset to us all.”

Everyone laughed as Jared turned an even brighter red. “You two really do make a good couple,” Zoe said, laughing. Everyone froze except Connor who suddenly laughed so hard milk squirted from his nose. Evan turned white.

Zoe looked at her brother confused, but he just shook his head, still visibly laughing. She turned back to Jared and Alana. “We aren’t dating,” Alana said softly.

“Oh! Oh my god! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean too...” “No, I thought they were a couple too, you’re all good,” Connor said, cutting her off. Jared looked surprised. “Does everyone think Alana and I are dating?” “I don’t,” Alana offered unhelpfully. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but I’m afraid Alana and I are never going to be a couple. There’s the small problem of me being like super, mega gay,” Jared said with a grin. 

“And I’m just a normal amount of gay, so I’m also going to decline,” Alana informed them. Connor smiled at her. “For the record, I’m bisexual,” he then added, trying to preemptively stop any unwanted questions.

“Pan,” Zoe said, happy to open up to her new friends. Evan just sort of threw his arms up in the air, confused. Jared laughed and put a hand on his shoulder. “That’s okay man, you don’t need to have any clue yet.” Evan blushed and smiled back at him.

When Zoe called Jared and Alana a couple, Evan had felt that weird little pang in his heart again. Now that he knew they weren’t, he felt a surprising sense of relief. He still wasn’t really sure what it meant, but that was fine. He wasn’t in danger of losing his friends anymore and he wasn’t going to go out and try to start a new relationship any time soon. For now he just wanted to strengthen the bonds he already had.

By the end of the meal, everyone felt better than they had in a long time. The tensions that had once hung in the air were no longer there. True, there was still a lot they didn’t know about one another, but even just sharing their sexualities felt like a start towards opening up.

Jared was especially happy. The fragile ties he had used to pull himself, Evan, Alana, and Connor together had long since all snapped, but now new, stronger bonds were forming. And those bonds were now strong enough to include Zoe as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is nearing its end, but there are still a few more lose ties that need to be taken care of. I’d say probably 2-3 more chapters.


	21. Back where we started

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little time has passed and everyone is excited to go to a dance together. But when Evan drops his pills, something bad occurs.

And so a few weeks went by. During that time, Heidi and the Murphy’s agreed to meet. They started swapping stories of their attempts to help their sons and advice about what had and hadn’t worked.

Connor started going to therapy. It was a different therapist, but at the same office as Evan. He started to take medication as well. Both Evan and Connor felt a little weird being so open about their conditions, but they found that helped too. Having a network of support really did make a difference.

A few weeks after everyone made up, Connor introduced Miguel to the rest of his friends. Everyone was absolutely thrilled to meet him. Within a few more weeks, he became a regular part of their group.

————

Homecoming came and went without any of attending, but Alana’s dance planning was not limited to that one event. At her request, all six friends would be attending the Halloween dance together. 

For now everyone would just being going as friends. Technically Miguel was Connor’s date, but that was just so he would be allowed in. 

The night of the Halloween dance, everyone gathered at the Murphy’s house to get ready. They were all super excited. Zoe was the only one who had ever been to a school dance before, so this was a new experience for most of them.

Everyone went all out with their costumes. It was a lot of fun getting ready together and they wanted to make the most of it.

As they got ready, Jared began belting Halloween songs using a hairbrush as a microphone. Alana joined in, adding a harmony. Zoe laughed. “Shall I grab my guitar and accompany you?” “Hell yeah, girl! Rock it!” Jared replied before going back to singing.

Laughing some more, Zoe turned to head to the door and crashed into Evan who had been standing in front of the sink. Yelping, he dropped what was in his hand and froze up when it slipped down the drain.

“Oh! I’m so sorry!” Zoe said. “I-it’s fine,” Evan said. Zoe frowned. Evan didn’t stutter much anymore. “What did you drop?” she asked. “My medicine,” he replied, nervously. “I can drop by you house and grab more for you,” Jared offered. “I can come with you,” Evan insisted. 

Jared shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I know where it is. Give me like 20 minutes and I’ll be back. I’m already ready and you aren’t, so it makes sense for me to go alone. I’ll be back soon.” Evan nodded. “Okay Jare. Thanks!” The two of them hugged before Jared made his way out.

————

It was just starting to drizzle as Jared pulled out of the Murphy’s driveway. Grumbling a little about the weather, Jared made his way to Evan’s house. When he got there, he hurried inside and made his way to Evan’s bedroom.

He opened Evan’s bedside drawer and pulled out the little box he kept in there. Evan had always been so secretive about his medicine, so it was a pretty big deal when Evan had pulled out the box and taken it in front of Jared.

But now the box was empty. Jared frowned. Where were Evan’s pills? He tried calling, but was met only with a voicemail.

He began to search. They weren’t on Evan’s bed or desk. After a couple more minutes searching Evan’s room, Jared made his way to the bathroom and sighed in relief. He guessed Evan had gotten over the stigma and moved them to a more convenient location. He quickly grabbed the bottle and made his way back to his car.

The rain was coming down pretty heavily now. Jared squinted a little, trying to see better. He had no idea how long the rain would last and he didn’t want to be late to the dance, so he decided to keep driving. 

Fortunately he was going slower than the speed limit when he came to the intersection. Unfortunately, the other car was not. With his attention mostly directed on just seeing through the rain, Jared took a few extra seconds to notice the other car coming. Panicking, he swerved quickly out of the way.

————

Once Evan finished getting ready, he grabbed his phone from Connor’s bed where he had left it. Noticing the call from Jared, it occurred to him that he had moved his pills from the last time Jared was there. Evan quickly called him back.

————

The second Jared swerved, he knew he made a mistake. Unable to clear the car entirely, it slammed against the back of his own, pushing him forward into a tree. Jared braced himself for the inevitable impact, grateful that at least this time he was wearing a seatbelt.

The seatbelt kept him from flying forward, but it did not completely prevent injury. Jared sat dazed, pinned between his seat and the airbag, his left arm starting to go numb. As he tried to make sense of his situation, he felt his phone buzz.

Desperately reaching for it with his good arm, he managed to answer and hit speaker in time. “Hey, sorry I missed your call. I moved my pills from the box to my bathroom. Sorry I forgot to tell you!” Jared’s heart ached. Evan had no idea just how perfect his timing was.

Working up his strength, Jared managed to respond. “I’m sorry Evan. Please forgive me.” Then, for a second time, his world went dark.


	22. The true timeline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared wakes up in a hospital room and panics. What timeline is he in and what happened with all of his friends?

Jared woke up in a hospital room. He had no idea where he was or how long he had been out. He felt disoriented and confused. His thoughts were a jumbled mess. He remembered that he was in a car accident and that Evan had called him right before he passed out.

But wait. That had happened twice. Only he only woke up in a hospital room once. Jared’s eyes grew wide as the horror of his situation dawned on him. He had no idea which timeline he was in anymore.

He looked around his room. There were no cards or flowers. On his arm was a plain, white cast. He felt his face. He wasn’t wearing glasses. Jared felt panic settle in. His college aged version stopped wearing glasses. That version had no friends and his parents would take time to get to him. It made sense that he would be alone like this.

So did that mean it had all been a dream? Everything good and wonderful that he had found since he went back in time was fake? No! It couldn’t be! It was all too real, too wonderful, too perfect! It was too perfect, wasn’t it? There was no way it could be true. There was no way he could save Connor, and befriend everyone. No. Evan hated him and that was never going to change.

Jared found himself struggling to breath. He was so scared. He didn’t want to be back in the nightmare of his old life. He didn’t want to lose everything he loved! He started to sob. “Evan!” he cried out. “Evan! I’m so sorry, Evan!” He was shaking uncontrollably.

A few seconds later, a nurse rushed in. Apparently his agitated state had set of some sort off monitor. She gently rubbed his back and told him he would be okay; everyone was in the waiting room and could be let in soon. He was fine, just a broken arm and a few cuts and bruises. He had passed out from the stress, not a head injury.

Jared felt his breath catch in his throat. He recognized his nurse. If Heidi was taking care of him, then that meant he couldn’t be back in college, right? She worked back by his house, so he must still be in high school, right? “When can I see them?” he asked softly. “In a few minutes,” Heidi assured him. Jared looked desperately at her.

Heidi finished checking Jared’s vitals and squeezed his good hand. “You’re going to be just fine Jared, don’t worry. I’ll send everyone in now.”

Less than a minute later, everyone burst through the door. Relief washed over Jared when five young people stood before him, all still dressed in their Halloween costumes. “How long was I out?” Jared asked softly, tears of relief and joy welling up in his eyes. “Not that long,” Evan assured him. “The dance is still going on right now.”

Jared looked away guiltily. “I’m sorry I made you all miss it.” Everyone immediately objected. It was fine. His safety was far more important anyways. Jared started to cry again. 

He looked up at his five best friends in all the world and just lost it. “I thought I lost you guys,” he whispered. “I was so scared. I woke up and didn’t know where I was, or who I was, anymore. I was so afraid you were gone! I thought that this was all just some dream and I was back in that hell and I was just so scared!”

Everyone looked confused. Jared didn’t blame them. He was the one in the accident, not them. None of them knew what he knew. None of them understood the relief he currently felt. None of them ever could, could they?

“What are you talking about Jared? You’re not making any sense,” Evan said softly, snapping Jared out of his thoughts. Jared’s eyes filled up with tears. There was no way they would ever believe him. Yet the more he stared at his friends, the more he wanted them to know.

“Jared?” Evan said again. He sounded worried. Jared looked lovingly up into his eyes. This was a view he never imagined he would be afforded. It was one he was still fighting to deserve. Jared realized that the others deserved to know. Even if they didn’t believe him, they deserved to know why he felt the way he did to see them all here with him. Jared took a deep breath and shakily began to talk. 

“You guys mean the world to me, you really do. That’s why I think you need to know the truth. I’m sure you won’t believe me, but it’s not fair for me to keep hiding this, to keep pretending like I’m a better person than I really am.” His face was wracked with guilt.

“Evan, on the first day of school I asked you how you broke your arm and called you my friend, right?” Evan nodded, still confused. “What if I told you that wasn’t what actually happened, at least not the first time. The first time I made fun of you. I laughed in your face then tried to walk away. You asked me to sign your cast, so I told you that you were just a family friend and that I only hung out with you for my car insurance. I really hurt you that day.”

Evan opened his mouth to object, but stopped when he saw the look on Jared’s face. He had never seen him look so serious about anything before.

Jared was starting to shake again, but he forced himself to continue. “And Connor, I never did apologize to you for calling you a school shooter or a freak. I never got the chance because... becuase...” Jared broke down. He couldn’t find the words to say. Maybe this was a terrible idea after all. How could he tell Connor what had happened. How could he explain what he had done? What Evan had done? Only Evan hadn’t done it. It was clear that with just a little bit of kindness Evan never would have done it. Every bad thing that happened last time but not this time was his own fault, right?

Jared could feel himself start to hyperventilate. He felt a warm hand take his own. “Deep breaths. Count to four with me now, okay? One, two, three, four. There you go. It’s okay Jared. You’re going to be okay.” Jared stared at Evan. “How can you say that? You have no idea what sort of monster I am!”

Evan shook his head. “You are not a monster Jared. The truth is that I have no idea what you’re talking about right now, but I know that nothing you say is going to change my mind about that.”

“This isn’t my first time living through senior year,” Jared explained. “Last time things got really bad and eventually I tried to kill myself, but instead of dying I woke back up on the first day of senior year.”

Everyone stared at Jared in shock, horror, and confusion. “I know that you have no reason to believe me, but I swear it’s true.” Evan stared at his friend sadly. “It’s true that it’s hard to believe, but I have no reason to think you’re lying. I don’t know what this means or what supposedly happened last time, but I can’t believe that you would just lie about something like this.” Evan squeezed Jared’s good hand.

“And another thing,” he continued. “I don’t like the way you’re talking about yourself. It’s true that I don’t know what supposedly happened last time, but I know who you are now. I know that you are sweet, warm, kind, funny, affectionate, and fiercely protective and I know that that’s never going to change. You seem to be implying that you did something horrible in this other life, but whatever happened in this other world, doesn’t define who you are here. And even if it did, it just means that you’ve grown and changed and become the wonderful person you are now!”

Jared squeezed Evan’s hand tightly. “I want so badly to believe that. I want to think that I’ve started to do things right, but I’m just stumbling around. I don’t know if anything I’ve done has been the correct move. And even in this world I was selfish. I wanted you so badly I was willing to sacrifice everyone else. When I first came back, I decided only you mattered. Even if everyone else disappeared, I said it was okay as long as you were happy. I was willing to trade Connor’s life to satisfy my own desires!”

Everyone stared at Jared. “What do you mean by ‘trade Connor’s life’?” Zoe finally asked. “I mean let him kill himself again,” Jared replied. Now that the truth started to come out, the rest came out pretty easily. Jared might have taken a little bit more of the blame than he deserved for the letters and the lies, but everyone seemed to understand what truly happened anyways.

They all stood in shock and horror as the nightmare unfolded. It was a horrifying story, yet it made a sickening amount of sense. No one wanted to believe it was true, yet they couldn’t shake the fear that it was.

Evan felt horribly ashamed for what this other Evan had done, but Jared assured him that it was a misunderstanding combined with good intentions and bad advice that got him into the mess and anxiety combined with good intentions and only a little bit of a desire for love that kept him there. 

Connor didn’t really know how to react. He had no idea that his death could have created such waves. “Do you think I hurt people this time by not dying?” He finally asked. Before anyone else could react, Jared was leaning up in his bed as his good hand made contact with Connor’s face. 

“Don’t you ever say that! Don’t ever say something like that again! How could you even think that? Can’t you see how much happier we all are with you around? Can’t you see how much everyone loves you? How can you say you are better off dead?!”

Connor rubbed his cheek and smiled wryly. “I meant the Connor Project. It sounds like it helped a lot of people, but now it doesn’t exist.” Jared looked down. “Oh. That’s what you meant. I still know it’s not worth your life, but I see your point. You can go ahead and slap me back now if you want.” Connor chuckled and gently tapped Jared on the cheek. 

“I’ve spent a lot of my life struggling with anger and pain. I thought they were always bad things, but I feel like every time we yell at each other, we become more whole as people.” Jared smiled at Connor’s words and laughed a little. Connor laughed too. Before long they were both cracking up.

“So I guess we just believe this then?” Zoe asked, interrupting the laughter. Alana thought for a second then nodded. “Jared’s obviously not lying and I can’t imagine all of that happening in a fantasy. And anyways, does it actually matter? The world Jared told us about is one we never want to see and one that we should never see. It’s something that we were spared from and that’s enough for me. Just knowing that instead of ending up alone, I am surrounded by love and friendship is enough for me.”

Evan nodded. “I’m just glad Jared told us. It’s clear this has been bothering him, but now we know and he can let go. He doesn’t have to hold it in anymore.” “And he doesn’t need to fear a repeat,” Connor added. Zoe smiled. “I guess that really is enough. I’m glad this is the world I live in too.”

“And I’m just glad I get to be a part of it this time,” Miguel whispered. “My name didn’t even come up in the story. I never stopped Evan, I never spoke on behalf of Connor, I never revealed myself at all. I just stood there and watched. And that’s why I know this story is true. Because I wouldn’t have said anything. I was too afraid to even speak to him, so why would I speak for him? Oh Connor, I’m so sorry!”

Miguel threw his arms around his friend. Connor held tightly back onto them. “I’m glad you’re a part of this now too. I missed you when we stopped being friends, and I’m really glad I have you back.” Jared started to sob again. Everyone took this far better than he ever could have imagined. He had been so afraid of losing everyone, but instead they were all closer than ever.

————

The next day everyone visited again. As they all got situated, Evan spoke up. “I was thinking last night. What if we still do the Connor Project? Not the Connor dying part, obviously, or even the orchard, but what about the support part? What if we created something to help people who feel lost and alone? More than one of us here has considered killing themselves before and all of us are a little broken, so why not help people who aren’t as fortunate as we are to have found people to lean on?”

Jared’s face lit up. “That’s a wonderful idea, Evan!” Alana exclaimed. “What should we call it?” Evan shook his head. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. Everyone began to brainstorm. “You will be found?” Jared offered. It was the motto for the Connor Project after Evan made his amazing speech. Evan smiled. “I like it Jared. I know whenever I felt alone, it was like I was standing outside watching everyone through a window. I would have given anything to have some find me and wave back.”

Everyone seemed to come to an agreement simultaneously. “That’s what it will be called,” Connor said softly. Evan looked confused. “Waving through a Window,” Jared replied. “That’s what we’ll call it. It’s a place where users who are alone can wave out to the world and others can wave back to them.” “Waving through a Window,” Evan repeated excitedly. “I love it!” he added.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn’t leave the last chapter up and hanging like that. I don’t want my poor Jared to suffer anymore!
> 
> Also, I know that Miguel did eventually talk to Evan, but Jared wouldn’t have known about that.


	23. All we see is sky for forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One month later the six friends take stock of their lives. A lot has changed since the first day a senior year and a lot has changed since Jared’s first timeline.

One month later, both Jared and Evan’s casts were gone. In their places, they had matching bracelets. Each was engraved with the names of the six friends. 

Zoe and Connor started to hang out just the two of them. They still only did it in public places and for short amounts of time, but their relationship was getting stronger with each passing day.

Waving through a Window was making a slow but steady impact on the world. It was still much smaller that the Connor Project was in its peak, but it was built on a firmer foundation and had six eager co-presidents. It also had a beautiful logo designed by Connor, who was finally starting to feel comfortable drawing smiling faces.

For the most part, everyone just lived in the moment and didn’t dwell on the other world that Jared had mentioned. Occasionally Jared would point out a major change he noticed, but most just boiled down to how happy he was to be alive in this world instead of the other one. Although sometimes if he was feeling particularly dickish, he would threaten to spoil plots to movies and shows that hadn’t come out yet. Other than one time by accident, he never made good on that threat.

Now that Jared wasn’t keeping his previous life a secret, he started to bemoan the loss of the abs he had gained last time. Before long, he started dragging Evan with him to Workout Heaven. Evan didn’t mind it one bit. When he was with someone whose company he enjoyed, even going to a gym was surprisingly fun.

Over the course of the month, Evan continued to feel that weird pang in his heart with ever increasing frequency. It wasn’t a bad feeling though. At first he hadn’t been sure what it was, but the more time he spent beside Jared, the more he came to understand it.

Evan knew that it wasn’t impossible for them to start dating. Jared was gay after all. He wasn’t sure if Jared would return his feelings, but that was okay. He wasn’t going to stop being friends with Jared if he was rejected and he was certain that Jared wouldn’t leave him over a confession.

Therefore one day while Evan was over at Jared’s house playing video games, he set his controller down and took Jared’s hand. At first Jared was worried, but when he looked into Evan’s eyes, his heart began to race.

“Back when I dated Zoe, I rushed into things and got tripped up on my own feelings. This time I waited to try and understand myself better. I still don’t really understand love or myself, but I don’t want to keep waiting forever. Jared Kleinman, I’m pretty sure that I love you. I don’t know if you feel the same way, but...”

Evan’s words were cut off by a kiss. “I love you too, Evan. More than I have words to say. I’m sorry I waited so long. I didn’t want to push myself on you, but it looks like I didn’t have to worry. You really are an amazing person!”

Evan smiled at Jared. “As long as we don’t go too fast, I feel like I’m ready to try to love again.” Jared held Evan close. “We can go at whatever pace you feel comfortable with. I’m hoping we will have the rest of our lives to spend together anyways!” Evan laughed and kissed Jared back.

————

Miguel and Connor were still just friends for now. There was still too much Connor needed to work out before he was ready for a relationship, but the foundations were all there.

Zoe and Alana were also still single, but Jared had noticed the way Alana looked at Zoe. He supposed she really was a special girl for his two closest friends to have both fallen for her. He wasn’t going to push though. If there really was love between them, then it would find a way on its own.

The night of the halloween dance, the six friends ended up having to bail to go to the hospital instead. No one was upset about it, but everyone still sort of wanted to go to a dance. In the end, it was Evan who came up with the new plan. 

Once more, they found themselves getting all dressed up, although this time it was in formal wear instead of costumes. Connor grumbled a little, but everyone agreed he looked really good in a dress shirt and tie. Jared considered making a joke about how he had pulled back his hair, but couldn’t find one that wouldn’t be insulting, so he let it go. He also didn’t really want to set himself up for any jokes about his own tie. It had little trees on it and he was going to wear it for Evan’s sake, his friend’s judgement be damned!

So the six friends made their way to the orchard. It was still run down and closed without the GoFundMe to reopen it. Jared suggested that maybe one day they could raise money to do so, but that was something for the future. 

Despite the overgrown nature, it was still beautiful. And even with only the music from Zoe’s phone, they had to agree it was the best dance ever. 

When the shuffle made its way to a slow song, Alana stopped dancing and stood there awkwardly. Seeing her friend like that, Zoe held out her hand. “Would you join me for this dance?” she asked with a little bow. Alana turned red. “I would be honored,” she replied.

Overhead the stars shone bright. Evan smiled as he thought about his future. The possibilities seemed as endless as the sky above. Looking around at the people surrounding him, Evan was grateful he didn’t fall far enough. He couldn’t imagine missing this now.

Jared smiled as he saw Evan looking around. He pulled his boyfriend a little closer and leaned into him. If anyone had told him that his life could end up this way, he would have laughed in their face, yet here he was. Their lives weren’t perfect and their problems had not magically disappeared, but that was okay. They didn’t need to be anything more than what they were. As the song ended, Jared and Evan kissed. Miguel and Connor smiled at each other. One day, they silently promised. One day they would be ready, but for now, they were content to dance the night away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that’s it. I really hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
